(Please listen to the above while reading this article. It will put you in the correct mindset and help you understand exactly what went on in the offices today)

Cinco de Mayo office parties at the Coggin Toboggan are banned forever. It’s not even 1 p.m. and the local police department has already been to the office three times…the last time they brought a wagon and packed in about 15 writers and four editors, vowing to prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law.

I suppose we should take some blame for the party getting out of hand. When employees started to come in at 8 a.m. this morning, we issued each of them two bottles of tequila, a sombrero, a poncho, a fake mustache and told them if one of the bottles of tequila was not gone by 9 a.m. they would be fired.

We thought it would foster a festive, party atmosphere in the office, but all it did was encourage violence and rampant intoxication for the rest of the day.

Things took a turn for the worse when Jannie from the editing department decided to really get into the spirit of the holiday and was caught selling pure Juarez llello by the pound at her cubicle.

Unfortunately for Jannie, she wasn’t able to flush all of the cocaine down the toilet before the cops came. She likely will not be back to work for 20 to 25 years, depending on good behavior.

As always, a few rotten apples had to go and spoil the bunch. No more office parties ever. Plus, everyone’s salaries will be cut to deal with the damage to the office, the bullet holes in the ceiling, and the blood cleanup from the Colombian Necktie Jannie gave to a rival dealer in accounting.