Tom McCarthy

First they came for Robert Lee, and I did not speak out … because I did not care

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Photo credit: CNN Money.

Kudos to ESPN for spinning controversy out of the grips of a non-story with this Robert Lee announcing controversy. Thank goodness we will no longer be reminded of a Confederate general who died nearly two centuries ago while watching an Asian man with the same name attempt to call a football game.

Instead of just letting the young man announce the UVA game and withstanding an hour’s worth of “LOL ROBERT LEE IS ALIVE AND WELL,” memes on twitter, you’ve created a mini-controversy that is garnering far more negative attention than just ignoring it in the first place.

It’s akin to looking at a gorgeous piece of forest, realizing that it may be at risk for a forest fire in the future, and then lighting a match and throwing it into a pile of dead leaves. ::claps hands as the forest goes up in flames:: GOOD JOB EVERYONE. PROBLEM SOLVED.

Is it that big of a deal that he was taken off the broadcast? Not really. It does, however, set you up for future incidents with names that people may find offensive. Kirk Herbstreit? Sounds too much like Wall Street, and you remember what happened with the real estate crash 10 years ago. GET THAT HOMEWRECKER OFF MY SCREEN, HE IS THE SOLE REASON I DEFAULTED ON MY MORTGAGE.

Think it’s just a national problem? Who is to say Philadelphians won’t start clamoring for announcers to be taken off the air in our city? Who is at greatest risk of being taken off the air for their name? Let’s investigate after the jump…

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Phillies twitter sent out 9 tweets during last night’s game. DON’T HURT YOURSELF, FELLAS

Philadelphia_PhilliesNot really sure why this bothers me as much as it does, but whoever run the Phillies twitter account is just awful at social media. Just nine tweets sent out during the course of a nine inning, three hour game.

What is he or she doing during the game? Are they catching a bullpen session? Are they just enjoying the grand old ball game? IS IT TOM MCCARTHY?!

It’s 162 game season, fellas, way to not burn out and waste too much material.

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Gregg Murphy ordered into carbonite storage for the offseason

A successful process.

A successful process.

Philadelphia, PA – Andy Macphail, leader of baseball operations for the Phillies, ordered Gregg Murphy to undergo a very dangerous carbonite freezing process earlier today. If successful, Murphy will spend the rest of the offseason encased in carbonite, waiting for the start of next year in suspended animation.

The newest Phillies executive ordered the carbonite freeze of Murphy as a test-trial for the rest of the broadcast team. He assured the bounty hunter that brought in the member of the Phillies announcing team he would be entirely compensated by the organization if Murphy did not survive the freezing process.

“You may take Murphy to the storage unit. He will be most safe, I assure you,” Macphail told the rest of the horrified broadcasters who watched their comrade slowly be dipped into the chamber.

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Tom McCarthy gets in one last advertisement during final out of Hamels no-hit game

Safe and secure, safe and secure!

Safe and secure, safe and secure!

Chicago – As Cole Hamels watched a rocketed fly ball travel out to centerfield, his hopes of a no-hitter hanging in the balance, Phillies announcer Tom McCarthy knew he had a job to do and knew he had to do it well, as this would be a moment for every Phillies fan to remember.

As Odubel Herrera circled back and made a sprawling catch to seal the historic moment for Hamels, TMac, as he is affectionately known by fans, knew the moment was a big one.

“I thought to myself, how can I make this a moment for fans to remember? This is a goal Cole has been trying to reach for his entire career, and I knew I had to make it special,” McCarthy said after the game. “But then I remembered we hadn’t reached our quota of New York Life commercials, so I knew what I had to do.”

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Tom McCarthy absolutely rips Phillies: “They’re great, but not excellent”

What's wrong, Tom?

What’s wrong, Tom?

Clearwater, FLA – In a rare moment of candor, company stooge and play-by-play man for the Philadelphia Phillies, Tom McCarthy, finally opened up and blasted the Phillies for their play this spring training.

“Believe me, I think this is a great, great team,” McCarthy said, effectively tearing the squad a new one. “But they’re not excellent. Don’t get me wrong, do I think they can be? Absolutely. But they’re not their yet.”

He continued the lambasting, predicting the Phillies would “100%” finish in first place in the National League East, but most likely would not have the best record in the National League.

It was a welcome moment of fresh air from McCarthy, who has long been criticized for toeing the company line and never speaking out against the team or its play.

“Do I think Ryan Howard could hit between 65 and 70 home runs this year? If he stays healthy, that shouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility. But in all reality, I see him somewhere in the 55 to 60 home run range,” McCarthy said, practically bitch slapping Howard from the broadcasting booth.

“Oh he’s safe and secure with New York Life!” McCarthy bellowed as Howard flied out to center field, though without his usual zest for promos.

Ben Davis, McCarthy’s newest color man, expressed surprise at Tmac taking the Phillies to task.

“It’s really weird, actually. I’ve only been working with Tom since the beginning of Spring, but you can tell something is off. When Ruben Amaro came in the booth earlier this week to discuss some of his plans for the season, Tom only hugged him three times during the interview. So strange.”

As of press time, McCarthy was sitting with his head in his hands in a darkened broadcast booth, muttering “oppo boppo” quietly to himself over and over.

Tom McCarthy pleased to already be in midseason form, hated by everyone

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Tom McCarthy, just one game into the Phillies 2015 season, is already hated by 95% of Phillies fan.

Clearwater, FLA – Just seven innings into the first official Spring Training exhibition match against the New York Yankees, lead television announcer Tom McCarthy said he was happy with the warmup and the general hatred being lobbed his way in the broadcasters booth.

“I’m very pleased with my progression so far. As you know, it’s not only spring training for the players, but for the announcers too,” the jovial announcer said during the seventh inning stretch. A soda from the stands was hurled into the booth, splattering the head television announcer with diet coke.

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