David Murphy

Matt Klentak hires Jon Runyan for apparent “My Bodyguard” type scenario

Nerd.

Nerd.

Philadelphia, PA – Matt Klentak, new GM for the Philadelphia Phillies, made his first official move Monday afternoon as he announced the hiring of Jon Runyan to serve as his personal assistant and escort.

Runyan, a former member of Congress and offensive lineman for the Philadelphia Eagles, will step into the position immediately.

Several baseball analysts questioned the move as “puzzling,” but pointed to the hire as potentially mirroring the plot of the early 1980s high school movie “My Bodyguard,” starring Matt Dillon and Adam Baldwin.

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Gregg Murphy ordered into carbonite storage for the offseason

A successful process.

A successful process.

Philadelphia, PA – Andy Macphail, leader of baseball operations for the Phillies, ordered Gregg Murphy to undergo a very dangerous carbonite freezing process earlier today. If successful, Murphy will spend the rest of the offseason encased in carbonite, waiting for the start of next year in suspended animation.

The newest Phillies executive ordered the carbonite freeze of Murphy as a test-trial for the rest of the broadcast team. He assured the bounty hunter that brought in the member of the Phillies announcing team he would be entirely compensated by the organization if Murphy did not survive the freezing process.

“You may take Murphy to the storage unit. He will be most safe, I assure you,” Macphail told the rest of the horrified broadcasters who watched their comrade slowly be dipped into the chamber.

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