Jayson Stark, in happier times.
According to reports from employees who were on set and now trapped in the NFL Draft Theater at the Philadelphia Art Museum, nearly 100 laid-off ESPN employees forcibly took over the draft stage scheduled for use tonight and have threatened to cut off a digit of Trey Wingo for every hour their demands are not met.
Apparent ring leader Jayson Stark, who was fired yesterday afternoon by ESPN after nearly 17 years of employment, led 25 laid off employees through the Philadelphia sewers, circumventing the heavy security and taking the draft stage employees completely by surprise.
Philadelphia, PA – Matt Klentak, new GM for the Philadelphia Phillies, made his first official move Monday afternoon as he announced the hiring of Jon Runyan to serve as his personal assistant and escort.
Runyan, a former member of Congress and offensive lineman for the Philadelphia Eagles, will step into the position immediately.
Several baseball analysts questioned the move as “puzzling,” but pointed to the hire as potentially mirroring the plot of the early 1980s high school movie “My Bodyguard,” starring Matt Dillon and Adam Baldwin.