Chris Berman

BREAKING: Laid-off ESPN reporters have laid siege to NFL draft set in Philadelphia

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Jayson Stark, in happier times. 

According to reports from employees who were on set and now trapped in the NFL Draft Theater at the Philadelphia Art Museum, nearly 100 laid-off ESPN employees forcibly took over the draft stage scheduled for use tonight and have threatened to cut off a digit of Trey Wingo for every hour their demands are not met.

Apparent ring leader Jayson Stark, who was fired yesterday afternoon by ESPN after nearly 17 years of employment, led 25 laid off employees through the Philadelphia sewers, circumventing the heavy security and taking the draft stage employees completely by surprise.

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Sad day as nation realizes this may be last time it will hear Chris Berman say ‘Back back back back’

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WHOOP!

San Diego, Calif. – Excitement for tonight’s 2016 Home Run Derby has been tempered across the nation, as baseball fans everywhere have begun to realize that this will likely be the last time they are able to hear longtime ESPN personality Chris Berman yell “BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK GONE!” before his retirement.

Millions of fans collectively mourned today as they realized they would never again hear Berman’s hilarious and not-at-all worn-out catch phrases in the home run derby after tonight’s event. Further depression sank in when they realized Berman would no longer be providing his entertaining collection of home spun nicknames and nonsensical noises during the upcoming football season as well.

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