BREAKING: Laid-off ESPN reporters have laid siege to NFL draft set in Philadelphia


Jayson Stark, in happier times. 

According to reports from employees who were on set and now trapped in the NFL Draft Theater at the Philadelphia Art Museum, nearly 100 laid-off ESPN employees forcibly took over the draft stage scheduled for use tonight and have threatened to cut off a digit of Trey Wingo for every hour their demands are not met.

Apparent ring leader Jayson Stark, who was fired yesterday afternoon by ESPN after nearly 17 years of employment, led 25 laid off employees through the Philadelphia sewers, circumventing the heavy security and taking the draft stage employees completely by surprise.

The employees reportedly swarmed up through the sewers, with ESPN’s preeminent ex-NHL reporter Pierre Lebrun quickly rounding up what little security existed within the draft theater with a makeshift axe he fashioned out of a hockey stick and sharpened hockey skate blades.

The well-organized and well-trained employees quickly rounded up the on-air ESPN talent and ordered the cameras to broadcast their demands live.

“We were all cast aside after years of dedication and hard work. This is how we’re repaid? So long, good luck? Well let me tell you, we’ll all have our jobs back by the end of the day, or your precious draft will have to be cancelled,” Stark said, his face streaked with grime from the sewers.

“And to show you I’m not bluffing…the garden sheers, please, Mr. Werder,” he said to Ed Werder, who handed him the sharpened yard instrument and dragged a blubbering Trey Wingo to the stage.

“Shhhhhh shhhhhhhhhhh Trey, Trey, calm down. Look at me, this is for the greater good,” Stark said, before expertly snipping the draft host’s left pinkie finger off in one swift motion.

“One finger for every hour our demands aren’t met. If he runs out of fingers, god help you for what we’ll do to Mel Kiper’s hair,” he said, before ending the transmission.

ESPN representatives were reportedly mulling over Starks’ demands, but had moved Chris Berman to a safe-house in the meantime.

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