Matt Klentak hires Jon Runyan for apparent “My Bodyguard” type scenario



Philadelphia, PA – Matt Klentak, new GM for the Philadelphia Phillies, made his first official move Monday afternoon as he announced the hiring of Jon Runyan to serve as his personal assistant and escort.

Runyan, a former member of Congress and offensive lineman for the Philadelphia Eagles, will step into the position immediately.

Several baseball analysts questioned the move as “puzzling,” but pointed to the hire as potentially mirroring the plot of the early 1980s high school movie “My Bodyguard,” starring Matt Dillon and Adam Baldwin.

“Klentak is a young guy, a bit slight of frame, with no athletic bone in his body. He’s purely a numbers man, a nerd through and through,” said Jayson Stark, ESPN baseball analyst and columnist. “Jon knows Philadelphia, he’s well liked in Philadelphia. He’ll be able to guide Klentak through the job and keep a watchful eye out for potential bullies and n’er do wells looking to dole out wedgies and extort lunch money from the wimpy GM.”

The hire has already provided dividends for the organization, as Runyan stood outside of Klentak’s 11 a.m. press conference and barred Howard Eskin from entering the media event.

My god, look at that animal.

My god, look at that animal.

Also, when David Murphy asked about Klentak’s lack of experience as an organization’s top executive, Runyan wrapped one of his meat paws over Murphy’s mouth and silently removed the reporter from his chair, depositing him outside of the room next to Eskin.

Stark said the hire could provide added benefits to both parties in the future.

“The hope is that Runyan could eventually show Klentak that he doesn’t need a bodyguard watching over him and that he has the strength within him to fight his own battles in a city as tough as Philadelphia,” Stark said. “Also, the organization hopes Klentak can show Runyan that his self-worth is not purely associated with his tremendous size, but with the size of his heart as well.”

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