Matt Klentak

Angelo Cataldi confirms the Phillies were right to not trade Sixto Sanchez

I can’t imagine the intense amount of relief Philadelphia Phillies GM Matt Klentak must have felt when he saw this headline in the July 23rd issue of Philly Voice:

Cataldi: To win big, Phillies must be willing to risk big — and that means dealing prospects

In one rambling, semi-coherent, typo-riddled column, Angelo Cataldi gave his ethereal blessing to the Phillies for not willing to part with prized prospect Sixto Sanchez for the superbly talented, but most certainly a rental player, Manny Machado.

But but but but….he trashed the Phillies for not trading away the farm for two months with Machado! He defiantly stomped his cloven hoof on the ground and ran Klentak through the ringer for not BEING BOLD and GOING FOR IT ALL ON FOURTH AND ONE and what have you.

But then again, this is Angelo Cataldi we’re talking about, so the Phillies should be thrilled.

I’m sure you’ve seen his greatest hits on Twitter by now, but I’ll let Twitter user @JoeyBnB introduce you again to Angelo Cataldi, one of the worst “take-slingers” of all time after the jump.

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The saga of J.D. Hammer

JD

A sweating, flustered Matt Klentak enters the Buddhist monastery, scanning the red robed holy men for the man he’s come to see. His eyes squint and he nods his head as he sees his acquisition, the man they call The Hammer, working silently on an ox cart to repair a broken axle.

Klentak walks slowly up to the 23-year-old closer, observing his work. Hammer’s head raises slightly, sensing a presence behind him. His shoulders slump and he exhales wearily, knowing what’s going to come next.

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Disappointed Ryan Howard definitely expected a car

iPhiladelphia, PA – Ryan Howard, the last member of the 2008 World Series roster, bade farewell to the fans and the organization yesterday in what was his last game in a Phillies uniform.

The Phillies honored their beloved slugger prior to the start of yesterday’s game, allowing a tearful Howard to address the crowd.

“It’s amazing, the appreciation from the organization and the fans,” Howard said. “To have it recognized, it’ll live with me forever.”

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MLB general managers report Matt Klentak was not available at trade deadline

Matt Klentak

Netflix enthusiast and Phillies GM Matt Klentak.

Philadelphia, PA – The Phillies were expected by many to make several deals at yesterday’s trade deadline, as the young organization was rife with players that could have helped teams down the stretch into the playoffs.

Instead, the Phillies stood pat and didn’t trade a single player.

However, several Major League Baseball general managers are reporting today that Matt Klentak, the Phillies general manager, did not make himself available to phone calls all day Monday due to a “prior pressing engagement.”

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Matt Klentak hires Jon Runyan for apparent “My Bodyguard” type scenario

Nerd.

Nerd.

Philadelphia, PA – Matt Klentak, new GM for the Philadelphia Phillies, made his first official move Monday afternoon as he announced the hiring of Jon Runyan to serve as his personal assistant and escort.

Runyan, a former member of Congress and offensive lineman for the Philadelphia Eagles, will step into the position immediately.

Several baseball analysts questioned the move as “puzzling,” but pointed to the hire as potentially mirroring the plot of the early 1980s high school movie “My Bodyguard,” starring Matt Dillon and Adam Baldwin.

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