Miami Marlins

MLB general managers report Matt Klentak was not available at trade deadline

Matt Klentak

Netflix enthusiast and Phillies GM Matt Klentak.

Philadelphia, PA – The Phillies were expected by many to make several deals at yesterday’s trade deadline, as the young organization was rife with players that could have helped teams down the stretch into the playoffs.

Instead, the Phillies stood pat and didn’t trade a single player.

However, several Major League Baseball general managers are reporting today that Matt Klentak, the Phillies general manager, did not make himself available to phone calls all day Monday due to a “prior pressing engagement.”


Jeremy Hellickson talks trade concerns, which teams he would accept in a deal


Hellickson knows he could be traded to a new team fairly soon.

Philadelphia, PA – Fresh off a sparking eight-inning, shutout start against the Miami Marlins, Phillies pitcher Jeremy Hellickson acknowledged today that he may be traded to a contender but would only accept a deal to a team that could forward his career.

Hellickson said he has enjoyed his time with the Phillies, but would welcome a change if the fit was right.

“If I’m traded, I want it to be on my terms to a team that can help my career in the long run,” Hellickson told reporters this morning.


Noted ballhawk Zack Hample demanded USSR anthem be played prior to Ft. Bragg game


Communist menace Zack Hample.

Famed ballhawk Zack Hample has found himself in hot water on the Fourth of July.

Hample, who has claimed to have caught more than 9,000 combined foul balls and home runs at professional baseball games, reportedly demanded the national anthem of the USSR be played prior to the beginning of Sunday’s Fort Bragg game.