America

Noted ballhawk Zack Hample demanded USSR anthem be played prior to Ft. Bragg game

zack-hample-arod

Communist menace Zack Hample.

Famed ballhawk Zack Hample has found himself in hot water on the Fourth of July.

Hample, who has claimed to have caught more than 9,000 combined foul balls and home runs at professional baseball games, reportedly demanded the national anthem of the USSR be played prior to the beginning of Sunday’s Fort Bragg game.

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So you’ve decided to enter a hot dog eating contest…

Top Speed Eaters Compete In Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Now you’re in the shit.

Well, now you’ve done it this time, Mojombo. You ran your mouth again, wrote a check you couldn’t cash, and now you’ve found yourself smack dab in the middle of a good old fashioned Fourth of July weekend hot dog eating contest.

Calm down, calm down, stop crying. First off, I salute you Mr. or Mrs. John. Q. America. You’re participating in one of the most patriotic events a citizen of this grand country can be involvedĀ in. It’s every American’s god given right to overeat stuffed meat byproduct in 90 degree weather and then pass out on a red ant hill in front of your embarrassed children.

But whether you’re in the glitzy big time of Nathan’s Fourth of July contest or some back alley, unsanctioned eating event with only your wits and iron stomach to survive, the strategies for victory are the same.

We’re here to help at The Coggin Toboggan. So strap in tubby, we’re taking you on a wild ride down a gilded, hot dog paved road to success.

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