So, you’ve decided to host a 4th of July barbecue at your house this year, Mr. or Mrs. John Q. American. To you, I say well done! There’s nothing more patriotic than inviting your closest family and friends over for an afternoon of overeating, day drinking, and blatant displays of jingoism that would make William Randolph Hearst blush.
But you can’t just expect to get a few hotdogs, a few hamburgers, and a warm case of domestic beer to pull this off. OH NO. You’ve got to go big, because that’s what America is all about, isn’t it? Gratuitous demonstrations of excess to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love this country oh so very much.
The Coggin Toboggan has helped you win the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest and gotten you out of a fireworks jam in past 4th of July’s, so take advantage of these tips from the professionals to throw the barbecue of the century:
Now you’re in the shit.
Well, now you’ve done it this time, Mojombo. You ran your mouth again, wrote a check you couldn’t cash, and now you’ve found yourself smack dab in the middle of a good old fashioned Fourth of July weekend hot dog eating contest.
Calm down, calm down, stop crying. First off, I salute you Mr. or Mrs. John. Q. America. You’re participating in one of the most patriotic events a citizen of this grand country can be involved in. It’s every American’s god given right to overeat stuffed meat byproduct in 90 degree weather and then pass out on a red ant hill in front of your embarrassed children.
But whether you’re in the glitzy big time of Nathan’s Fourth of July contest or some back alley, unsanctioned eating event with only your wits and iron stomach to survive, the strategies for victory are the same.
We’re here to help at The Coggin Toboggan. So strap in tubby, we’re taking you on a wild ride down a gilded, hot dog paved road to success.
Philadelphia, PA – A recent trend of professional NFL athletes injuring themselves with fireworks continued in Philadelphia over the Fourth of July.
Breaking news came to light this morning from a Jefferson Hospital employee who accidentally tweeted the hospital chart of Sam Bradford, who has been interred at the local hospital since Saturday.