So, you’ve decided to host a 4th of July barbecue at your house this year, Mr. or Mrs. John Q. American. To you, I say well done! There’s nothing more patriotic than inviting your closest family and friends over for an afternoon of overeating, day drinking, and blatant displays of jingoism that would make William Randolph Hearst blush.

But you can’t just expect to get a few hotdogs, a few hamburgers, and a warm case of domestic beer to pull this off. OH NO. You’ve got to go big, because that’s what America is all about, isn’t it? Gratuitous demonstrations of excess to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love this country oh so very much.

The Coggin Toboggan has helped you win the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest and gotten you out of a fireworks jam in past 4th of July’s, so take advantage of these tips from the professionals to throw the barbecue of the century:

1. Steer conversation among guests away from politics: Nothing can make a get together more awkward than guests arguing about politics. In this divisive political climate it can be a real hot button issue with your guests. Steer conversations towards the guest’s various opinions on religion and the significant others of those who aren’t in attendance.
2. Remind guests that Amity needs summer dollars: Amity is a summer town. We need summer dollars. I don’t think you appreciate the gut reaction people have to these things…Martin, It’s all psychological. You yell ‘Barracuda,’ everybody says ‘Huh? What?’ You yell ‘Shark,’ we’ve got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July.
3. Don’t invite Becky: No, we’re not inviting Becky this year. Do you remember what happened last summer? She made me grill one of those horrible turkey burgers and then yelled at me when she saw it touch one of the real burgers? I’m not doing that shit again, babe, end of discussion. What do you mean you already told her about it? She’s here?! God damnit.
4. Only buy the best: Make sure to spring for hotdogs made with only the finest pig lips and assholes that money can buy.
5. Make every guest recite the Pledge of Allegiance: Before allowing anyone into your home, make sure guests can recite the Pledge of Allegiance to keep any “undesirables” off your property. No Uncle Mao’s or Joseph Stalin’s at this BBQ, thank you very much.
6. Nudge Uncle Jack off the red ant hill: For god’s sake, someone roll him off that hill before the ants get to him. How many Heineken’s did he have?
7. Charcoal is key to a good fire: Remember to swing by that random building you set ablaze last week to pick out a few of the charred briquets from the wreckage site. Remember how it burned so brightly when you finally gave in to those whisper-quiet voices in your head, urging you to destroy something beautiful? They’ll make the perfect fire to stare into with glazed-eyes until your wife asks if you’re paying attention to the hotdogs.
8. A couple key bumps never hurt anyone: How else are you going to get through this? Nobody is looking, just go ahead.
9. Inform guests you’d like to speak to them about Jesus for just a few moments: Glad everyone is enjoying themselves and having a nice time. If I could just have your attention for a few minutes, I’d like to take this opportunity to speak to you about Jesus Christ and how his teachings could save all of your wicked souls.

God bless America. Have fun out there.

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