Well, now you’ve done it this time, Mojombo. You ran your mouth again, wrote a check you couldn’t cash, and now you’ve found yourself smack dab in the middle of a good old fashioned Fourth of July weekend hot dog eating contest.

Calm down, calm down, stop crying. First off, I salute you Mr. or Mrs. John. Q. America. You’re participating in one of the most patriotic events a citizen of this grand country can be involved in. It’s every American’s god given right to overeat stuffed meat byproduct in 90 degree weather and then pass out on a red ant hill in front of your embarrassed children.

But whether you’re in the glitzy big time of Nathan’s Fourth of July contest or some back alley, unsanctioned eating event with only your wits and iron stomach to survive, the strategies for victory are the same.

We’re here to help at The Coggin Toboggan. So strap in tubby, we’re taking you on a wild ride down a gilded, hot dog paved road to success.

• If you’re homeless and somehow scammed your way into a contest, well played sir. Hot dogs are a great source of protein. See if you can stuff a few into your bindle for later use. Some rainwater, a hot dog or two, and some stale bread would boil up nice. Now you got a stew going, baby.

• With so many people gathered in one spot, this would be the perfect opportunity for you to share your views on the benefits of communism.

• Despite the pain and difficulty of eating as many hot dogs as you can, the glory will last forever if you win. You’ll be remembered for all time, just like Joey Chestnut, or that one asian guy…you know, the small guy who won all those times in a row? Or was that the woman? I don’t know, whoever it was they are a titan among men.

• Intimidate the competition by requesting to eat beer brats instead.

• Ask the medics to pack you a few extra hotdogs for your time in the emergency room after the heart attack settles down. There’s usually a wait for bypass surgery on Fourth of July weekend and you’ll probably get hungry.

• Remember to recite the Pledge of Allegiance in between each hotdog or they don’t count.

• That bitch of an ex-wife said I’d never amount to anything, BUT LOOK AT ME NOW, SUSAN. IS THIS NOTHING?

• Consider filing  your teeth down to sharp points for easier chewing. Plus, it looks super wicked.

• Most competitors lose time eating the dense hotdog buns. Dunk the buns in mayonnaise to increase viscosity.

• Many people consider hot dog eating competitors to be slovenly, obese and just days away from the grave. The faster you realize you’re not an exception, the quicker you can get down to stuffing your fat face for our entertainment.

• Ask the event organizer if Ted Nugent’s “Stranglehold” can be played during the contest. Air guitar along with the kickass solo 2 minutes in. Watch the ladies get MOIST.