Fourth of July

So, you’re a multi-millionaire athlete and you’ve blown your fingers off on the 4th of July

fireworks

Well now you’ve gone and done it. Just signed that multi-year, multi-million dollar contract for the hometown team, ready to score a few touchdowns and sink a few buzzer beaters for the big squad, but you had a few too many pops and held an M-80 for just a half-a-second too long and now you’re writhing around the beer soaked ground with a few less fingers.

Contract gone, millions lost, right? WRONG! The Coggin Toboggan PR firm is here to help you reclaim your dignity, reclaim your goodwill with the fans, and resurrect your dwindling chances at ever playing another sport again.

Sweep up those mangled sausages, stop crying and take these steps from the Coggin Toboggan to save your career:

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Noted ballhawk Zack Hample demanded USSR anthem be played prior to Ft. Bragg game

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Communist menace Zack Hample.

Famed ballhawk Zack Hample has found himself in hot water on the Fourth of July.

Hample, who has claimed to have caught more than 9,000 combined foul balls and home runs at professional baseball games, reportedly demanded the national anthem of the USSR be played prior to the beginning of Sunday’s Fort Bragg game.

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So you’ve decided to enter a hot dog eating contest…

Top Speed Eaters Compete In Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Now you’re in the shit.

Well, now you’ve done it this time, Mojombo. You ran your mouth again, wrote a check you couldn’t cash, and now you’ve found yourself smack dab in the middle of a good old fashioned Fourth of July weekend hot dog eating contest.

Calm down, calm down, stop crying. First off, I salute you Mr. or Mrs. John. Q. America. You’re participating in one of the most patriotic events a citizen of this grand country can be involvedĀ in. It’s every American’s god given right to overeat stuffed meat byproduct in 90 degree weather and then pass out on a red ant hill in front of your embarrassed children.

But whether you’re in the glitzy big time of Nathan’s Fourth of July contest or some back alley, unsanctioned eating event with only your wits and iron stomach to survive, the strategies for victory are the same.

We’re here to help at The Coggin Toboggan. So strap in tubby, we’re taking you on a wild ride down a gilded, hot dog paved road to success.

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Wish me luck at the 4th of July Nathan’s Hot dog eating Contest

nathans-hot-dog-eating-contest-590Usually my Fourth of July’s are filled with patriotism and jingoistic anthems bellowed to the heavens at the top of my lungs. Up at the crack of dawn to recite the pledge of allegiance before drinking Budweiser until I’m drunk enough to successfully light fireworks, I (and my township’s local authorities) figured this year my talents would be better suited in another endeavor.

So I’ve decided to take a trip up to Coney Island tomorrow afternoon and take part in the greatest eating tradition in the world, the 4th of July Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. Yes I know you need to qualify for the event, but I’ve taken some necessary steps, greased the correct palms, and shed tears in front of the correct people to claim a spot on the dais with some of the greatest competitive eaters in the world.

I’ll be eating under a red, white and blue mask, with my alias The Bobarian. The make will ultimately hinder how quickly I can eat since I do have to hold the mouth flaps open to successfully shovel the meat tubes into my gullet, but my patriotism trumps all else, so it will have to do.

Sure some of the other eaters do this full time and outweigh me by close to 200 pounds. Yes, maybe I don’t have an edge like Type II Diabetes to push me over the top to victory, but I more than make up for this with an incredibly high cholesterol level.

So wish me luck in the most patriotic event in the country tomorrow. After the competition, look for the sweating man wearing a red, white and blue mask riding the Cyclone for the rest of the day and spewing hot dog vomit on the irate crowd below. It should be a great day.

If you don’t see me on the coaster, please for the love of god check the local morgues and contact my wife. Tell her I’ve moved on from this horrific life under a deluge of pork byproducts and the good Ol’ U S of A.

Happy Fourth of July everyone!