Jason Pierre Paul

So, you’re a multi-millionaire athlete and you’ve blown your fingers off on the 4th of July

fireworks

Well now you’ve gone and done it. Just signed that multi-year, multi-million dollar contract for the hometown team, ready to score a few touchdowns and sink a few buzzer beaters for the big squad, but you had a few too many pops and held an M-80 for just a half-a-second too long and now you’re writhing around the beer soaked ground with a few less fingers.

Contract gone, millions lost, right? WRONG! The Coggin Toboggan PR firm is here to help you reclaim your dignity, reclaim your goodwill with the fans, and resurrect your dwindling chances at ever playing another sport again.

Sweep up those mangled sausages, stop crying and take these steps from the Coggin Toboggan to save your career:

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Sam Bradford loses hand in tragic sparkler accident on 4th of July

Sam BPhiladelphia, PA – A recent trend of professional NFL athletes injuring themselves with fireworks continued in Philadelphia over the Fourth of July.

Breaking news came to light this morning from a Jefferson Hospital employee who accidentally tweeted the hospital chart of Sam Bradford, who has been interred at the local hospital since Saturday.

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