So, you’re a multi-millionaire athlete and you’ve blown your fingers off on the 4th of July

fireworks

Well now you’ve gone and done it. Just signed that multi-year, multi-million dollar contract for the hometown team, ready to score a few touchdowns and sink a few buzzer beaters for the big squad, but you had a few too many pops and held an M-80 for just a half-a-second too long and now you’re writhing around the beer soaked ground with a few less fingers.

Contract gone, millions lost, right? WRONG! The Coggin Toboggan PR firm is here to help you reclaim your dignity, reclaim your goodwill with the fans, and resurrect your dwindling chances at ever playing another sport again.

Sweep up those mangled sausages, stop crying and take these steps from the Coggin Toboggan to save your career:

  1. Maybe it’s not that bad!: Okay, so you got dinged up a little bit! It hurts like hell, but I guarantee it looks worse right now than it will in a few days. Maybe you could play it off like nothing happened? Come to training camp with a new leather glove over your hand and say your dying father bequeathed it to you on your death bed. Maybe nobody will notice? Come on, let’s have us a loo OH MY GOD ::dry heaves for five minutes:: Okay, okay, oh god give me a second…fuck…fuck me…that is terrible. It’s looks like a heap of pulled pork on a rotting stump…you’re not hiding that from anyone.
  2. Mexican doctors know how to keep a secret: Are you on the border of Mexico? Can you get to Mexico quickly? Most Mexican doctors treat drug cartel injuries daily and won’t judge you for turning your hand into nothing but bloody peat moss. Plus, for a 5,000 pesos a finger they can graft on any number of hooks or hooves to your mangled stump.
  3. Blame/Praise Trump: Blame/praise the president! Are you a fan of Donald Trump? Blame the media for reporting on the “fake news” story of you blowing off several of your precious digits in an alcohol fueled display of patriotism! Hate Donald Trump? The faulty Chinese fireworks you were playing with got into this country somehow, right? I thought he was going to shift us to American Made products again? Never would have happened with a good old fashioned American made C4 shell. Damn faulty fuse!
  4. Find Jesus: You were going down a sinner’s path for years. Thank goodness you had this very public incident and found Jesus at the exact same time, what a coincidence! Judge not yest ye be judged is a perfect response for nosy reporters/columnists looking to release the photos of you shooting bottle rockets at that beach wedding earlier in the day.
  5. Go on the offensive: OH WHAT, YOU’VE NEVER HAD A FEW BEERS ON THE FOURTH OF JULY, DONE SOMETHING YOU REGRET? GOD DAMNIT, I AM SICK OF THESE STUPID FUCKING FANS AND THE MEDIA LOOKING TO VILIFY ME. JUST LET ME LIVE MY MOTHER FUCKING LIFE IN PEACE, YOU ALL STINK.
  6. Apologize for going on the offensive: I’d like to apologize for my recent comments about the fans of said home team. They’re the best in the world, I love them very much and I love playing for the home team.
  7. Profit: Jason Pierre-Paul signed a 4-year, $54 million guaranteed deal and he has 7 fingers. Go get that money.
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