Usually my Fourth of July’s are filled with patriotism and jingoistic anthems bellowed to the heavens at the top of my lungs. Up at the crack of dawn to recite the pledge of allegiance before drinking Budweiser until I’m drunk enough to successfully light fireworks, I (and my township’s local authorities) figured this year my talents would be better suited in another endeavor.

So I’ve decided to take a trip up to Coney Island tomorrow afternoon and take part in the greatest eating tradition in the world, the 4th of July Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. Yes I know you need to qualify for the event, but I’ve taken some necessary steps, greased the correct palms, and shed tears in front of the correct people to claim a spot on the dais with some of the greatest competitive eaters in the world.

I’ll be eating under a red, white and blue mask, with my alias The Bobarian. The make will ultimately hinder how quickly I can eat since I do have to hold the mouth flaps open to successfully shovel the meat tubes into my gullet, but my patriotism trumps all else, so it will have to do.

Sure some of the other eaters do this full time and outweigh me by close to 200 pounds. Yes, maybe I don’t have an edge like Type II Diabetes to push me over the top to victory, but I more than make up for this with an incredibly high cholesterol level.

So wish me luck in the most patriotic event in the country tomorrow. After the competition, look for the sweating man wearing a red, white and blue mask riding the Cyclone for the rest of the day and spewing hot dog vomit on the irate crowd below. It should be a great day.

If you don’t see me on the coaster, please for the love of god check the local morgues and contact my wife. Tell her I’ve moved on from this horrific life under a deluge of pork byproducts and the good Ol’ U S of A.

Happy Fourth of July everyone!