Ben Davis

Your 2015 opening day Phillies, a play in three acts


Three hits? That’s all we got, three goddamn hits?

What's wrong, Tom?

Larry, you can’t say goddamn on the air!


Shut the fuck up, Tom. ::hurls whiskey bottle, which smashes above a horrified Ben Davis::

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2015 Philadelphia Phillies! It’s going to be a long, long season.

Tom McCarthy absolutely rips Phillies: “They’re great, but not excellent”

What's wrong, Tom?

What’s wrong, Tom?

Clearwater, FLA – In a rare moment of candor, company stooge and play-by-play man for the Philadelphia Phillies, Tom McCarthy, finally opened up and blasted the Phillies for their play this spring training.

“Believe me, I think this is a great, great team,” McCarthy said, effectively tearing the squad a new one. “But they’re not excellent. Don’t get me wrong, do I think they can be? Absolutely. But they’re not their yet.”

He continued the lambasting, predicting the Phillies would “100%” finish in first place in the National League East, but most likely would not have the best record in the National League.

It was a welcome moment of fresh air from McCarthy, who has long been criticized for toeing the company line and never speaking out against the team or its play.

“Do I think Ryan Howard could hit between 65 and 70 home runs this year? If he stays healthy, that shouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility. But in all reality, I see him somewhere in the 55 to 60 home run range,” McCarthy said, practically bitch slapping Howard from the broadcasting booth.

“Oh he’s safe and secure with New York Life!” McCarthy bellowed as Howard flied out to center field, though without his usual zest for promos.

Ben Davis, McCarthy’s newest color man, expressed surprise at Tmac taking the Phillies to task.

“It’s really weird, actually. I’ve only been working with Tom since the beginning of Spring, but you can tell something is off. When Ruben Amaro came in the booth earlier this week to discuss some of his plans for the season, Tom only hugged him three times during the interview. So strange.”

As of press time, McCarthy was sitting with his head in his hands in a darkened broadcast booth, muttering “oppo boppo” quietly to himself over and over.

Tom McCarthy pleased to already be in midseason form, hated by everyone


Tom McCarthy, just one game into the Phillies 2015 season, is already hated by 95% of Phillies fan.

Clearwater, FLA – Just seven innings into the first official Spring Training exhibition match against the New York Yankees, lead television announcer Tom McCarthy said he was happy with the warmup and the general hatred being lobbed his way in the broadcasters booth.

“I’m very pleased with my progression so far. As you know, it’s not only spring training for the players, but for the announcers too,” the jovial announcer said during the seventh inning stretch. A soda from the stands was hurled into the booth, splattering the head television announcer with diet coke.