Larry Andersen

Ruben Amaro Jr. inspired after watching Bruce Jenner special

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A very brave and courageous man.

Philadelphia, PA – After seeing the inspiring Bruce Jenner special this past week, in which the world famous athlete described his transition and inner struggle with becoming a woman, Ruben Amaro Jr. called an impromptu press conference this morning and invited past and present Phillies athletes to attend.

In his declaration to the media, Amaro promised a “breathtaking reveal.”

In front of hundreds at the press conference, a visibly shaken and nervous Amaro approached the podium, took a deep breath, and began his announcement.

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the past six years, I have been the general manager of the Philadelphia Phillies,” He said, stammering for a second before pausing to collect his thoughts. “This, this is much harder than I thought it would be. I watched Bruce Jenner on ABC this past weekend and he was so brave, letting people know who he really is. It’s about time that everyone knows the real me.”

“I just…people need to know. I need them to know the real me,” he said. He looked around the room and took a very deep breath. “People need to know that I’m not a winner. The real me, the real me to the core, is a complete loser.”

Amaro took a moment to dab at his eyes with a handkerchief and then continued.

“I know I had some good years with this team, but last year and this season have been the real me. I’m a loser, a big fat loser. Wow…that feels good. I can promise all of you that I will no longer pretend to be a winner in front of any of you. This is me, take it for what you will.”

As of press time, Larry Anderson was muttering to himself in the back of the room as he looked on disinterestedly.

“Who the fuck didn’t know that?”

Your 2015 opening day Phillies, a play in three acts

LA

Three hits? That’s all we got, three goddamn hits?

What's wrong, Tom?

Larry, you can’t say goddamn on the air!

LA

Shut the fuck up, Tom. ::hurls whiskey bottle, which smashes above a horrified Ben Davis::

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2015 Philadelphia Phillies! It’s going to be a long, long season.

For 6th year in a row, Ruben Amaro Jr. has no takers for March Madness pool

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Poor Ruben.

Clearwater, Fla – Since being named GM in 2009, Ruben Amaro Jr. has attempted to host an NCAA March Madness pool with members of the Phillies and for six years in a row no athlete or employee has signed up to participate.

“I don’t understand it. Every year I send out an email to everyone and nobody ever gets back to me in time. Nobody sends me brackets. It’s only $10 to join,” Amaro said, as he glumly looked at his computer yesterday afternoon before the start of the first games.

Amaro, who for the record predicted SMU would win the championship and most likely would have lost in the first round, dejectedly had to throw his bracket away for another year.

“I got all this pizza and some sandwiches, I thought everyone could watch the first round together,” he said, as he sat alone in his office, nobody even in the Clearwater complex despite there being no practice or game scheduled for the day. “I really thought some of the new guys would sign up, you know, just to keep on my good side. Grady Sizemore seemed interested, but it just never happened.”

CT reporters caught up with Ryan Howard, who was at a local Buffalo Wild Wings with about 35 of his teammates, and asked the slugger why nobody decided to participate with Ruben.

“He’s an ok guy I guess, but he’s so god damn boring. The last thing anyone wants is to cultivate any personal relationship with him outside of the office….he gets a bit, well, clingy. Everyone remembers the Aaron Rowand incident.”

Howard of course was citing the famed 2006 incident where former center fielder Rowand spent a lengthy amount of time on the DL for breaking his face in a collision with an outfield wall. He made the mistake of going to a bar with Amaro one day after a victory, and the GM called and texted him with abandon for the rest of the season.

“Besides, Larry Andersen holds one every year and it’s great. Everyone wants to do his,” Howard said.

Andersen, who was watching the games with two high priced escorts on his lap, pounded his Miller Lite and agreed with Howard.

“Ruben is a square. Nobody wants to hang out with him when they could hang out with good ol’ LA. Isn’t that right ladies?” He said, doing a bump of cocaine off of a Bowie knife that he sheathed back into a leather holster. “Winner of my tourney gets a huge pot and a hooker on LA’s tab. Not a bad haul if you ask me.”

As of press time, Amaro was pouring several liters of Shasta down a drain in the men’s room.

Phillies spring training equipment list addendum leaks to media

phi_1200x630Clearwater, Fla – The Philadelphia Phillies released an official list to the media last week detailing the extensive amount of equipment the organization is shipping from Philadelphia to Clearwater for the upcoming 2015 Spring Training.

The CT was able to snag an addendum list of equipment the organization wants to keep from the media. Here is what the Phillies will also be shipping down to Clearwater for the organization and its athletes.

2015 Equipment List:

• 6 cases of Jim Bean and a renewal subscription for Hustler Magazine (Larry Andersen)

• Lifetime membership to Morrie’s wigs (Chris Wheeler)

• Several contacts for financial managers (Ryan Howard)

• 15 crates of horn rimmed glasses (Scott Franzke)

• 1 pair of gator skin boots and 25 corn cob pipes (Charlie Manuel)

• 1 red little league outfielder’s glove (Ben Revere)

• Several round trip tickets to Reading, Pennsylvania. No expiration date. (Darin Ruf)

• 1 “Hello my name is” sticker. (Aaron Altherr)

• 1 muzzle (Jonathan Papelbon)

• 1 pink slip (Ruben Amaro Jr.)

BREAKING NEWS: Ruben Amaro Jr. announces Phillies will embrace new technologies

Mandatory Myspace pages for players, employees, according to the Phillies GM.
rubenPhiladelphia, PA – Ruben Amaro Jr. revealed earlier today the organization will begin to embrace new, advanced statistics, scouting techniques and analytics by signing each and every one of its players and organizational employees on to MySpace before the starts of the 2015 season.
Amaro touted the “new technology” as being easy to use, cost effective and fun.
“I firmly believe this will give us a leg up as an organization and help us cast aside the notion that we’re antiquated and stodgy,” Amaro said. “I personally hired an outside IT firm to set up accounts for each player and employee, and we will be requiring daily, mandatory posts on each account and at least one favorite song posted to each wall.”

When asked how much he paid the firm for the set up, Amaro said it was in the “neighborhood of about $5 million. It’s a one-time only installation fee, coupled with an annual maintenance contract of just $750,000.”

Amaro asked reporters to crowd around his Imac as he logged onto his new account, giving them a preview of the future of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Amaro’s homepage was decorated with a number of Phillies emblems, a picture of the 2008 World Series trophy, and a photograph of his pet cat, Marmalade. A midi version of “Camptown Races” automatically began to play upon his logging in.

“Can you imagine how much time this will save our scouts? Why go out to a game, when prospects can just send us highlights online?” he said.

The only post on Amaro’s wall not written by the GM himself was from Phillies radio announcer Larry Andersen.

“Hey Rube, I heard the Red Sox want you to come up to Fenway tonight to discuss a trade for Howard. They told me they’ll give you three butts and a fart to be named later. LOLOLOLO you suck fruit!” the message simply read.
As of press time, Amaro had only two confirmed friends, and was awaiting responses on 6,743 users.