Robert Durst

ROBERT DURST’S NCAA MARCH MADNESS PREDICTIONS, SLAUGHTERING THE COMPETITION SINCE 1982
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This man knows one thing…college basketball. 

Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, is back to help us pick March Madness games in 2016. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s. 

Durst has run afoul of the law since last year, but he’s assured us that it is only a “misunderstanding” and he’ll soon be cleared of all charges. Franky, we can’t see why this affable and charming man has been jailed in the first place!

He’s assured us that he has had no prior run ins with the law before the difficulties last year. 

For this week’s predictions, law enforcement officials have graciously allowed Mr. Durst to travel to the Coggin Toboggan offices to give his predictions in person. 

Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.

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Robert Durst’s NCAA March Madness predictions, slaughtering the competition since 1982
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Our NCAA specialist is back, baby!

Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, is back to help us pick March Madness games in 2016. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s. 

Durst has run afoul of the law since last year, but he’s assured us that it is only a “misunderstanding” and he’ll soon be cleared of all charges. Franky, we can’t see why this affable and charming man has been jailed in the first place!

He’s assured us that he has had no prior run ins with the law before the difficulties last year. 

Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.

(more…)

Holy shit, did you guys hear about our NCAA correspondent, Robert Durst?
Who knew?!

Who knew?!

I can’t believe this, but did you guys hear about Robert Durst? If you’re familiar, he was a correspondent that we paid, handsomely I might add, to give us his thoughts on the NCAA March Madness tournament.

He had forwarded his resume to us before the tournament started and it looked legitimate. Professional handicapper? Check. Years of college basketball analysis? Check. A perfect bracket in the last two NCAA basketball tournaments? Check plus.

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Robert Durst’s NCAA March Madness predictions part II, slaughtering the competition since 1982
If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it's mens college basketball.

If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it’s mens college basketball.

Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, will be helping us pick March Madness games this year. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s. We haven’t been able to get in touch with Robert since Saturday, but we’re happy to have him aboard!

Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.

Robert Durst: Well, there it is. You’re caught. You’re right of course, should have listened to everyone else and not picked Virginia to get to the finals. What a disaster. They were right, I was wrong….and the burping. I can’t stop. Stupid Virginia, why did I pick them to get to the finals? I’ll never get over this. What the hell did I do?

Virginia’s game disappeared faster than my first wife.

I’ve never been more disappointed in my life than yesterday. Not even when Barbara was killed by me…I don’t mean “me” of course, I was talking about the journalistic “me,” the “me” in all of us, you know what I mean. ::blinking uncontrollably::

So I’m over it. Whatever. I’ll make sure that coach will never disappoint me again. Maybe even some of his players.

But on to better things. On to the Sweet 16. If I had to bet someone’s life on these games, I’d suggest taking a long hard look at Wichita over Notre Dame. Wichita St. absolutely murdered Kansas yesterday afternoon, ripping the hearts out of their fans.

I also really like Michigan State to advance to the Elite Eight. They’ll have an easier road to the dance now that Villanova is out. They’ll have an easier time than the gentleman who hid my first wife’s body in our backyard lake on Jan. 31, 1982.

The CT: Thank you Mr. Durst.

Robert Durst: May I use the bathroom?

The CT: Of course sir, it’s two doors down to the left. Please make sure you take off your microphone before going into the bathroom, you do remember what happened last time.

::Leaves the room, pulls out his own microphone::

Robert Durst: I can’t wait to kill them all.

Robert Durst’s official NCAA March Madness prediction special, slaughtering the competition since 1982

Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, will be helping us pick March Madness games this year. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s. We haven’t been able to get in touch with Robert since Saturday, but we’re happy to have him aboard!

If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it's mens college basketball.

If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it’s mens college basketball.

Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.

Robert Durst: Thank you for having me. As you know, I requested this column to have my voice heard on something very important, to give my side of the story and to let people know the truth about Bobby Durst…that I am a fanatic about mens college basketball.

Each round I’ll be providing the CT with exactly what people are interested in me about, my above average prediction skills for the greatest tournament in the world.

I may not know where my first wife is, but I do know that a 16 seed has absolutely no chance to beat any of the 1 seeds this year. No jury in the world will convict me for that prediction.

I don’t know…I’d pick them all if I could ::starts to blink rapidly::

I’ll give you one upstart in the first round that I think has a change to get away with murder. It’s number 12 Buffalo over number 5 West Virginia. I have nothing against West Virginia, but the Buffalo Bulls are the MAC champs and took a lead against Kentucky into the second half a few weeks ago for a reason. They’re a solid team and have averaged 75 points a game for the season, I could see them sending West Virginia to an early grave this tournament.

Speaking of West Virginia, have you ever driven through there? Gorgeous country, plenty of deep lakes, forests that nobody could entirely search for weeks on end, plenty of sprawling marshland…it really is a paradise. You could go for miles without seeing a single soul…you could even let out a piercing scream until your lungs ran dry and nobody would ever hear you. It really is god’s country.

Well, that’s it for me. I can’t think of anything else. I’ll see you before the start of the second round.

The CT: Thank you Mr. Durst, we can’t wait to have you back.

Robert Durst: May I use the bathroom?

The CT: Of course sir, it’s two doors down to the left.

::Leaves the room, forgets he is still mic’d up::

Robert Durst: I can’t wait to kill them all.