ROBERT DURST’S NCAA MARCH MADNESS PREDICTIONS, SLAUGHTERING THE COMPETITION SINCE 1982

robertdursttransport

This man knows one thing…college basketball. 

Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, is back to help us pick March Madness games in 2016. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s. 

Durst has run afoul of the law since last year, but he’s assured us that it is only a “misunderstanding” and he’ll soon be cleared of all charges. Franky, we can’t see why this affable and charming man has been jailed in the first place!

He’s assured us that he has had no prior run ins with the law before the difficulties last year. 

For this week’s predictions, law enforcement officials have graciously allowed Mr. Durst to travel to the Coggin Toboggan offices to give his predictions in person. 

Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.

Robert Durst: Thank you again for having me back and not falling victim to the rumors and accusations that are surrounding my character. Let me assure you that I am not the ruthless, murderous psychopath depicted by the media and a certain cable network that I will never subscribe to again after I am vindicated from my charges.

What the hell did I do?

Sure, I may have illegally owned a .38 caliber handgun. But who doesn’t have guns on them at all times during the day that may or may not be legal or registered to their persons? At any time during the day I have as many as 9 firearms on me that are in no way registered or “street legal” by the word of the law, but I’m a responsible guy, come on. See!?

::At this point in time Mr. Durst procured a snub nosed pistol that he wildly waved around his head, accidentally discharging several times into the air, evacuating the Coggin Toboggan offices before law enforcement personnel could fully restrain him::

I have to apologize for my actions. What a disaster.

But of course, I’m here today to give my predictions for the final four. Despite Villanova mauling their competition and ruthlessly snuffing out all comers, I’m afraid their luck has run out against Oklahoma. Oklahoma will bleed them dry with their ferocious and deadly blend of athleticism and plenty of Buddy Hield.

As for UNC and Syracuse? Sorry Syracuse, but the magic will run out and UNC will slash their way to promised land. The Tarheels will smother the Orange in their sleep like a senior citizen who has become a burden to their family.

There it is, you’re caught. Everyone knows you’re an expert and should just retire to Beverley Hills.

So there you have it. UNC vs. Oklahoma in the championship. If the Coggin will have me back, I’d love to give my prediction before the matchup. It should be an all out brawl.

The CT: Thank you Mr. Durst, we can’t wait to have you back.

Robert Durst: May I use the bathroom?

The CT: Of course sir, it’s two doors down to the left.

::Leaves the room, forgets he is still mic’d up::

Robert Durst: I can’t wait to kill them all.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s