Sam Hinkie had The Process, Bryan Colangelo has The Procedure

041016_bryan-colangelo_1200I’m sick of dunderheaded Bryan Colangelo face fucking his way through the 2016-2017 76ers season. Everything that’s good about this year (Embiid, Saric….ummm….that’s about it) has been due to previous GM Sam Hinkie and everything awful about this year (Gerald Henderson, the Noel disaster, the slippery floor, the announcement coming in the next few weeks that Ben Simmons won’t play this year, Jahlil Okafor, the Eagles poor season, the Flyers Shea Weber trade falling through) has been because of shit dick Colangelo and his father’s withered old man balls resting on his son’s shoulders as a constant reminder of his presence.

Also, apropos of nothing, why don’t you spell your name with an “I” like a regular person? God you suck.

Sam Hinkie had The Process, which netted this team a glut of lottery picks, a potential franchise changing player in Embiid and another first round pick next year from the Lakers.

Bryan Colangelo has, what we’ve dubbed at the Toboggan, The Procedure, which has netted us nothing but high blood pressure and increased chances of having a stroke in the next 10 years.

What is The Procedure, you ask? Well, why don’t we explain it using tweets from Colangelo’s meeting with the media today, shall we?

This is what drives me crazy about  Colangelo in a nutshell. He’s basically saying, “Don’t blame me for this, I wasn’t here the past few years, I didn’t ask for this and never would have done it in the first place.”

Those decisions made before you got here, aka The Process, got you two potential cornerstones to your franchise (Embiid, Saric), they got you the number one pick in the draft this year (Simmons) and they got you a second center who had an all-star season last year (Okafor).

The Procedure? The Procedure got you Gerald Henderson for $18 million over two years, Jerryd Bayless (how’s he been) and Sergio Rodriguez. I don’t mind Sergio Rodriguez, he’s been fine, and I’ll give him credit for the Ersan Ilyasova trade, but that’s it!

You criticize the decisions that were made before you got here, but then you have 8 months and entire off-season to get something done and you spend it (most likely) watching Paw Patrol as your elderly father changes your diapers? (Just a rumor I heard)

Nerlens Noel is a young, athletic center who is an elite shot blocker who has shown flashes of competence on the offensive end of the floor, so surely Bryan has a plan to trade him now, right?

Your coach just came out and said Noel wouldn’t be playing anytime soon despite being healthy.

Phew! That was a close one. So, he will be playing, fantastic, and since you’ve openly declared that the logjam of centers is not a good thing for the team you can pursue a trade of Noel, correct?

PAHEPHAPUHE FAPHAIEPN APHE HAPD FAPHAD FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

If only Colangelo understood that other GMs in this league aren’t as stupid as him, he’d be so much better off. Here’s what he’s thinking with this comment:

“Even though I have alluded to looking at trading one of our centers this off-season and it’s basically a well known fact that we want to trade Nerlens, I can’t appear too eager here….even though seconds before I said this I said it was a problem that we have too many centers on this team. Can’t appear desperate, can’t appear stupid. WOW, LOOK AT THAT DOG! IT’S BROWN! WOW!”

Too late, you already signed Gerald Henderson.

This is the part of The Procedure where Colangelo feels the need to reestablish the franchise’s bargaining power. “Yeah, I won’t make a bad deal for his organization despite the entire league knowing how desperate I am to move Noel before his contract expires at the end of the season. That’ll do it.”

I’d wager he was most likely winking vigorously at the cameras when he said this.

And if he isn’t? “We’ll try to trade him….oh wait, forget that I said that, I WON’T trade him, unless he’s not a fit for this roster, in which case I will trade him…wait…don’t quote me on that.”

“But remember, we don’t want to trade him!”

::WINKING UNCONTROLLABLY::

You literally had nothing to do with this, Bryan. You’re taking credit for something The Process did…not you.

Well there you have it, that’s Bryan Colangelo’s “Procedure” in a nutshell. Just a mishmash of horrible ideas, circular logic and contradictions every other statement.  I’m surprised he wasn’t reading notes he had written down on the back of a bar napkin from a layover in O’Hare.

I applaud you if you made it to the end of this column without your head exploding. You’ve done more and had more success than Colangelo has experienced in the past 8  months.

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