I think I hear some reindeer hooves on the roof of my shanty in the woods and the delightful sound of latkas frying up in opossum lard on my hotplate, so you know what that means! It’s time for Christmas, or if you’re one of the chosen, time for Hanukah!
Yes, the holiday season is once again upon us all. I have to say, I hear the same two questions almost every year around this time:
- What should I get my spouse/friend/prison pen pal for the holidays? They’re a HUGE Philadelphia sports fan, can you please help me?!
2. Please untie me, I’m begging you, I have a family…what did I do to deserve this?
Well let me tell you, I can 100% help you find that perfect gift for that special Philadelphia sports fan in your life and NO I WILL NOT UNTIE YOU, KAREN, THIS IS HOW YOU’LL LEARN TO LOVE ME.
So here are some great ideas for that special person in your life that won’t break your holiday budget!
A Razor Blade
Imagine the look of joy on the face of that special Philadelphia sports fan when they open up the delightfully trimmed gift box and find the perfect double-sided razor blade. Perfect for anyone who has sat through all of the Eagles games this season. (Pro Tip: Draw them a warm bath while they’re admiring their gift to really drive the point home)
Snowball Maker and a pile of rocks
Granted, this is geared more towards the Eagles fan in your life, but it’s too good to leave out. Why not give up fighting the stereotypes of the city and just embrace them wholeheartedly! This handy gadget will allow you to craft snowballs at a record pace in the stands of Lincoln Financial Field and the rocks in the snowballs will be a delightful surprise for that cocky Dak Prescott as he leads the Cowboys to victory over the Eagles on New Years Day. THAT WILL TEACH HIM TO RUIN 2017.
Instead of choosing to drink responsibly at sporting events like an adult, why not instead choose to give your loved one an artisanal puke bucket for when that 15th Coors Lite just isn’t sitting right. You’re not an animal, so when you face that inevitable public puking make sure you spew into one of these instead of a hapless kid in the row in front of you. Comes in three designer colors and will hold up to three gallons of vomit, stomach bile and/or feces. Perfect for collecting unwanted body waste to be dumped over the head of that piece of garbage Giants fan who was talking shit to you in the parking lot.
A lock of Sam Hinkie’s hair
Don’t ask us how we can get it, you really don’t want to know, but we can make it a reality. For an increased price we could even get you one of his molars or a piece of his nose. Don’t ask questions.