Toronto Raptors

Nerlens Noel takes Canadian girlfriend out for third Valentine’s Day in a row

NBA: Boston Celtics at Philadelphia 76ersPhiladelphia, PA – For the third Valentine’s Day in a row, 76ers center Nerlens Noel turned down Valentine’s Day plans with his teammates to take out his “smoking hot girlfriend from Quebec” for a romantic night out.

Noel said he and “Suzie” had dinner reservations at Fork in Old City for 7 p.m. and then would likely retire to his Philadelphia apartment for a “serious make-out sesh.”

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We suck again

HI top fade

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’sĀ edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (7-30). Morale is low. Henry Syms has dysentery and KJ McDaniels was bitten by a rattlesnake.

We had won two out of our last three until Kyle Korver came to town and ripped our collective hearts out. How many three point shots can our terrible guards leave him wide open for before they catch on and realize he can actually shoot. He’s a slow, white guard, what else could that mother fucker do?! He’s not out there to explode into the lane, he shoots underhand free throws for fucks sake. Not even Furkan Aldemir’s gypsy hexes off the end of the bench couldn’t slow him down, but at one point in the game Jeff Teague did start coughing up black viscera and bleeding from his eyes, so perhaps he was just a bit off.

Furkan continues to be a mystery. Nobody knows where he goes after the games. Tony said he saw him running into the bowels of the Wells Fargo Center after a shoot around and tried to follow him, but it was like he melted away into a steam filled corridor. He showed up in time for the game covered in millipedes and wouldn’t go into the game until he “speak with Big Shot in person and discuss what it means to be a man.” Nobody had the heart to tell him Big Shot hasn’t been the mascot for over 20 years.

Nerlens was so upset after the game he soaked me in the finest mineral oils and epsom salts for what seemed like hours.

Next up, we take on the Toronto Raptors in Canada. JaKarr Sampson will not be making the trip with us, as he can’t legally cross the Canada border due to a horrific poutine incident 5 years ago that has still left him a wanted man in Montreal.