Special Guest Columnist: Marcus Hayes

I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.

So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).

Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.

(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)

We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.

Up first, Marcus Hayes of the Daily News. 

6a017d3bd5738f970c01bb07aedb7b970dCan someone please tell me what this website is actually about? Why I even agreed to help them out?

I mean, really, why did I agree to write something for this site after I blocked them from my Twitter feed months ago?

It’s a fake website that makes fun of me for being a fat mess.

And for the record, Chase Utley never took me out in the Phillies clubhouse with a slide to the back of my knees.

It wasn’t true. But did people care?

Of course not. People sent me that article on Twitter so much that I ate a whole wheel of American Cheese in one sitting.

It was uncomfortable. I had the curd sweats for days.

Not fun, not fun at all.

Also, do I sweat as much as this site likes to make fun of me for? I do not.

I may have a glandular problem and run through undershirts like nobodies business, even in the winter, but I don’t think that’s something to make fun of someone for.

It’s troubling…

It.

Really.

Is.

This blog gives the city a bad name and hopefully the owner will tire of his little venture and stop bothering me with fake articles about how I’m a fat, sweaty pig.

You can all go to hell.

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