Heaven – Sighing deeply, God, the creator of Heaven and the Earth, made a rare appearance in front of the media and issued a public apology to sports fans everywhere for the Seattle Seahawks victory of the Minnesota Vikings in an exciting Wild Card game Sunday afternoon.
Vikings kicker Blair Walsh missed a chip shot field goal that would have seemingly won the Vikings the game with just 22 seconds remaining. Instead, the pro-bowl kicker missed a 27-yard kick and the Seahawks won 10-9.
“That’s my fault. I was pulling strings all afternoon for the Vikings. I mean, that was pretty obvious,” God said. “I step away for two god damn seconds and look what happens. I guess they never heard me say I help those who help themselves. Idiots.”
The Lord said he had to leave during the last moments of the game as some “divine intervention” forced him to leave his sofa and make a hasty retreat to the his heavenly bathroom.
“Had some tacos Saturday night that just weren’t sitting well. They were really rising from the dead, if you catch my drift, and they didn’t need three days to do it,” he said. “I figured even a complete feeb would be able to kick a 27-yard field goal if I stepped away. Boy was I wrong.”
God said he was disappointed in the outcome and definitely would make the next few months more difficult on the region.
“I guess it serves me right for leaving anything up to chance when it comes to the Vikings. Lots of snow coming their way this winter, that’s for sure. My goodness do I hate the Seahawks. How can you not? I’m so sick of them,” he said.
“It wasn’t just the fans who were pissed. I lost a cool $1,000 heaven bucks to St. Peter, that prick. God damn you, Blair Walsh. You’re definitely going to hell. Sorry. I may just be away from my desk during your deathbed confessional, whoops.”
While disappointed, God said he was definitely happy with his work during the Bengals games, and the people of Cincinnati were all doomed to hell anyways so none of them should take it too hard.