The Afterlife – A number of heavenly sources confirmed today that Gordie Howe, “Mr. Hockey,” arrived in heaven safely and immediately made his presence felt in the ethereal plane.
One archangel said Howe grabbed a stick almost at once after emerging from the Pearly Gates and hopped onto a frozen pond for a pickup game with a number of other deceased hockey legends.
“Great to see Howie out here, ruffling some feathers and stirring the pot, as per usual,” said Maurice “Rocket” Richard, who passed away in 2000.
About 10 minutes into the spirited contest, Howe blasted a slap shot past Terry Sawchuk to notch his first goal in the afterlife.
However, the contest became chippy when God, creator of the universe and hockey aficionado, decided to jump into the game. After he strapped on a pair of modified sandal skates and grabbed his glowing white stick, the flowing visage lined up opposite of Howe and was immediately butted in the face by Howe’s stick.
Rick MacLeish, Flyers legend who recently arrived in the afterlife, said Howe was giving the savior of mankind “no quarter” out there.
“Man, Gordie was having none of it today. After a brutal check I’m pretty sure he told God to ‘stick to the enlightenment stuff’ and leave hockey ‘to the real men.’ They were jawing back and forth, we couldn’t stop them.”
After the Lord reportedly hooked Howe and took him down on a breakaway opportunity, the two gladiators squared off and took several shots at each other as the rest of the athletes and archangels looked on in awe.
The fight was evenly matched at first, with God nearly buckling Howe with an overhand right, but after Howe successfully pulled God’s robe over his head and peppered him with shots to the stomach, that was the end of it.
Tensions remained high for the rest of the game (with Howe notching an assist to complete his Gordie Howe hat trick) but the hard feelings didn’t carry over at the end of the day.
God and Howie reportedly buried the hatchet with several pitchers of Schlitz at a corner bar after the game.
“God’s a good guy. He knew it wasn’t personal. Hell of a chin. Should be a fun time,” Howe said, as he clinked mugs with a nearby John Belushi.