NHL warns Phil Kessel to keep eating out of Stanley Cup to a bare minimum


The face of a championship winning professional athlete.

Pittsburgh, PA – Just a day after the Penguins captured their 2nd NHL Championship in seven years, NHL representatives issued a stern warning to Pittsburgh right-winger Phil Kessel to keep his food-related celebrations with the Stanley Cup to a “bare minimum” when it was his turn to spend a day with the vaunted trophy.

As is tradition for a championship team, each member of the roster receives at least one day with the Stanley Cup in the offseason to do what they please. According to legend and second-hand information, players have thrown the Stanley Cup into pools during wild parties,  baptized their children in the trophy, and have even etched messages or extra names into the cup.

NHL Discipline Czar Stephan Quintal warned Kessel there would be “stern repercussions” for next season if he returned the Stanley Cup to the league office with any “food stains or food remnants.”

League representatives have been on high alert since noticing several cookbooks appear in the rotund wingers locker room during the Eastern Conference Finals.

“You can drink out of it, that’s no problem. But the league will not permit the cup to hold any cream based soups, stews of any kind, goulashes, cream chipped beef dishes, or serve as a receptacle for barbecued chicken or full racks of ribs. We’re looking in your direction, Mr. Kessel,” Quintal said.

Quintal also expressly forbade the cooking of hotdogs in the trophy, as hotdog water can sufficiently stain the inner bowl of the trophy.

League representatives did note that Kessel could enjoy a dry salad out of the cup or a small bowl of cereal, if the trophy was then polished, cleaned, and returned henceforth.

At press time, Kessel had placed an order for 10 pounds of pulled pork, but assured league sources that it was going to be used for his “son’s graduation party.”

Eyebrows were raised in the league office when it was noted that Kessel currently does not have any children.

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