NHL

Las Vegas Knights four wins away from ironically destroying Las Vegas

Has any city ever rooted harder against its own NHL team to LOSE in a Stanley Cup final than Las Vegas is right now with the Las Vegas Knights?

The plucky expansion team, filled with rejects and has beens who pulled themselves up from their skate straps to appear in the Stanley Cup finals during its inaugural season, is set to TOPPLE everything Las Vegas was built on if it captures the cup in the coming weeks.

Why? Because sport books had  the Knights at 500/1 prior to the start of the season to win the NHL championship.

Well, okay, fine….those are insane odds, but who would have actually bet on them prior to the start of the year? Did Pierre-Édouard Bellemare really instill that much confidence in bettors? That roster sucked, and it sucked hard at first glance.

Well, one betting expert told Forbes it could be the biggest futures sports betting loss in the history of Las Vegas:

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Everything is better with a good Ric Flair WOOOOOOOOO
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Wooooooooooo!

Apparently the Flyers PA announcer has been piping in glorious Ric Flair WOOOOOs during stoppages of play for the past two home games. The Flyers are 2-0 in those games. Coincidence? Obviously not.

Woooooooooooooooooooooo!

There is nothing, I repeat, nothing that is not improved with a good Ric Flair woo. Think back to the time you lost your virginity (or just imagine it for those of us that have dedicated our lives to the Lord)…pretty embarrassing right? Probably not all that fun?

Well, just imagine letting out an impressive WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO instead of what you actually did (burst into tears) and it’s 100 times better, no?

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

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Ron Hextall cheers up Steve Mason, a play in several acts

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Steve, cheer up buddy. Just because you lost the game for us in the last two minutes doesn’t mean you have to be nervous about your job security.

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Thanks Ron. Tough one last night.

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Yep, exactly. Would have been much better if you had been able to shuffle your fat ass across the crease to stop the world’s slowest wraparound attempt. But yeah, don’t worry about it.

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Ron? You ok?

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No no, really, just don’t worry about it and focus on the next game and how you’ll blow it for your hard working teammates and how you’re forcing me to drink more than I want to and spend more time on the phone looking for a goalie who can stop the GODDAMN puck.

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It’s just one goal Ron, I’ll do better next game.

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I should slash you right across those weak hamstrings of yours, you piece of garbage.

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…..

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Get the fuck out of my office.

Carl Lindros delivers stirring Hall of Fame acceptance speech for son
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Carl Lindros’s son.

Carl Lindros, father of one of the newest members of the Hockey Hall of Fame, Eric Lindros, accepted the induction and delivered a speech on behalf of his son, despite Eric being healthy and present at the induction ceremony.

Carl beamed at the podium as he thanked the assembled crowd for the great honor.

“I’ve worked so hard to go where I am. This is just a culmination of the years of blood, sweat and tears that I’ve put into my son,” Lindros said, wiping tears away from his eyes as Eric looked on from the side stage.

“I did it. I can’t believe it, but I’ve finally reached the pinnacle,” he said.

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Carl Lindros to ‘make a few calls’ to Hall of Fame selection committee on behalf of son
Eric Lindros

Will this be the year Eric Lindros is elected to the NHL Hall of Fame? His father plans on it.

Toronto, Canada  – Carl Lindros, father and former agent to Eric Lindros, told his son Monday that he would “reach out” to several members of the NHL Hall of Fame Committee and “pull a few strings” to ensure Eric received his hall of fame nomination this year.

Lindros, the supremely talented center who spent the majority of his career with the Philadelphia Flyers, racked up 865 points over 760 regular season games and led the Flyers to a Stanley Cup Championship in 1997. He won the NHL’s Hart Trophy in 1995 as the league’s most valuable player, but may be remembered more for injuries derailing his career and for having two perceived “meddling” parents who steered the career of their talented boy. He also never won a Stanley Cup, which many cite as a big knock against his resume for the Hall of Fame.

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NHL warns Phil Kessel to keep eating out of Stanley Cup to a bare minimum
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The face of a championship winning professional athlete.

Pittsburgh, PA – Just a day after the Penguins captured their 2nd NHL Championship in seven years, NHL representatives issued a stern warning to Pittsburgh right-winger Phil Kessel to keep his food-related celebrations with the Stanley Cup to a “bare minimum” when it was his turn to spend a day with the vaunted trophy.

As is tradition for a championship team, each member of the roster receives at least one day with the Stanley Cup in the offseason to do what they please. According to legend and second-hand information, players have thrown the Stanley Cup into pools during wild parties,  baptized their children in the trophy, and have even etched messages or extra names into the cup.

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Report: Claude Giroux really going at that punching bag
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God he is PISSED.

Philadelphia, PA – Teammates practicing at the Flyers Skate Zone yesterday were tipped off to Claude Giroux’s snub from Team Canada for the upcoming World Cup of Hockey as they were greeted by the captain “really going to town” on the punching bag set up in the facility’s fitness center.

Several were surprised to see Giroux reportedly “wailing” on the piece of exercise equipment before the scheduled practice.

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‘I’m good to go,’ Michael Raffl declares from coma

103114_michael-raffl_600Philadelphia, PA – Michael Raffl, who momentarily passed out on the Flyers bench Saturday night after taking an elbow directly to the jaw, has declared through a series of hand squeezes that he should be good to go for Tuesday night’s game against the Buffalo Sabres.

“Great news about Raffl. Using the classic one squeeze for yes, two squeeze for no code, we have deduced Raffl should be in the lineup this evening,” Flyers General Manager Ron Hextall said. “It’s amazing he didn’t even have a concussion.”

Raffl took an elbow directly to the jaw Saturday night during a play near the boards against the New York Rangers. The forward woozily made his way back to the Flyers bench, before collapsing and passing out. Play was halted as trainers frantically escorted the dazed and confused Raffl back to the locker room.

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Philadelphia absolutely buzzing about the draft

sparkle-quotePhiladelphia, PA – Philadelphia is frenetic today as all minds are on the draft. Little work is likely being done, as employees everywhere are keeping their eyes on their bosses as they surf the internet to gobble up as much information as they can on the local sports scene.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it’s the most EXCITING day of the year.

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BREAKING: Flyers hire Reggie “Reg” Dunlop as next head coach
File photo of Reggie "Reg" Dunlop.

File photo of Reggie “Reg” Dunlop.

Philadelphia, PA – In a surprise move this morning, Philadelphia Flyers GM Ron Hextall announced the next head coach of the organization. Reggie “Reg” Dunlop will officially be named as the 19th head coach of the Philadelphia Flyers.

The move comes as a bit of surprise to fans and the hockey world, as Dunlop has no previous NHL experience. His last coaching experience was with the Charlestown Chiefs in the Federal League, a low level, semi-professional league.

Dunlop served as a player-coach for the Chiefs, and it’s unknown if he will do so for the Flyers.

“Reggie has years of experience coaching and playing. His hard nosed, but loose, style of coaching will fit well with the Flyers and fans will love him,” Hextall said.

Even though he has no NHL experience, Dunlop has a proven track record of grooming young and exciting hockey prospects. Of course, Dave “Killer” Carlson and Ned Braden are two of the lesser known players groomed by Dunlop, but the three most well known prospects were the fabled Hanson brothers (Jeff, Steve and Jack) who led the Federal League in penalty minutes for 10 straight seasons.

Dunlop has had several on-ice incidents which may be construed as black marks against his character, including putting a bounty on the head of rival forward Tim “Dr. Hook” McCracken and inciting a bench clearing brawl after claiming Tommy Hanrahan’s wife was a lesbian.

Despite his eccentricities, Dunlop is known for his affinity for “Old-time hockey.”

“I’m looking forward to showing these guys the ropes. Heard you have some great bars in Philadelphia, should be a real gas,” Dunlop said at an impromptu press conference this morning. “You have some great sportswriters here too, they really capture the spirit of the thing, you know?”

As of press time, Dunlop was reportedly feeding a rumor to Philadelphia Inquirer Flyer beat writer Sam Carchidi that a wealthy retirement community in Florida was interested in purchasing the team.