Stanley Cup

NHL warns Phil Kessel to keep eating out of Stanley Cup to a bare minimum

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The face of a championship winning professional athlete.

Pittsburgh, PA – Just a day after the Penguins captured their 2nd NHL Championship in seven years, NHL representatives issued a stern warning to Pittsburgh right-winger Phil Kessel to keep his food-related celebrations with the Stanley Cup to a “bare minimum” when it was his turn to spend a day with the vaunted trophy.

As is tradition for a championship team, each member of the roster receives at least one day with the Stanley Cup in the offseason to do what they please. According to legend and second-hand information, players have thrown the Stanley Cup into pools during wild parties,  baptized their children in the trophy, and have even etched messages or extra names into the cup.

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Editor’s Note: Congrats to Kimmo, but where’s our cup?

Kimmo Timonen in a moment of triumph, but where is our Cup?

Kimmo Timonen in a moment of triumph, but where is our Cup?

Sure it was a great site last night. Kimmo Timonen, longtime Flyers defenseman  traded to the Blackhawks prior to this year’s playoffs, realized his professional dreams and finally was able to hoist the Stanley Cup at the age of 40. It was a triumphant moment as the veteran broke into tears after kissing the cup, realizing his career was coming to an end on top.

But I ask you, where is our cup?

And when I say “our cup” I really mean “my cup.”

And when I say “cup,” I don’t mean the Stanley Cup. What I mean is my Breakfast on Broad mug promised to me by the fledgling CSN morning show.

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BREAKING: Mike Richards waived by LA Kings, Holmgren physically restrained

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Holmgren, no doubt thinking of adding a 12th year to another high-priced contract.

Philadelphia, PA – Two-time Stanley Cup Champion Michael Richards was waived this afternoon by the LA Kings, which resulted in full-blown panic in the offices of the Wells Fargo Center.

“Oh god, oh god has anyone seen Paul? His checkbook isn’t in his desk and his cellphone is gone, we have to find him before he makes a huge mistake,” Philadelphia Flyers General Manager Ron Hextall reportedly yelled, as he tore through the stadium to try and find the current Flyers president.

Employees were on high alert with the news this morning. A longstanding rule is in effect for employees to find, restrain and detain former Flyers GM and now president Paul Holmgren whenever high priced, declining stars are released from their teams.

Disaster almost struck last year when an employee found Holmgren negotiating a $20 million, five-year deal with former Flyer John Leclair.

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Richards, wondering if Holmgren will add the 12th year to his new deal.

Paul Holmgren signed then captain Richards to a 12 year, $69 million contract in 2008. Three years into the deal and an overall decline in production, Richards was traded to the LA Kings for Wayne Simmonds, Brayden Schenn and a second round draft pick.

Richards went on to win two Stanley Cup championships with the Kings, despite never reclaiming his top-level play.

Hextall reportedly found Holmgren being restrained by several members of the Flyers ice-team, who had smashed his Blueberry and had confiscated his check book.

“He was fervently trying to dial up Richards when we found him, thank goodness we got here in time,” Hextall said.

Hextall thanked the employees and reminded them to keep an eye on the waiver wire if/when Ilya Byzgalov is release by the Anaheim Mighty Ducks.