Ron Hextall

Will the Flyers break free from the past and forge a new identity?

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Every calendar in the Flyers’ wing of the Wells Fargo Center is from 1975. Gas is 30-cents a gallon. Scouts are desperately searching for grainy, reel-to-reel footage of the USSR national team in preparation for the huge, international exhibition tilt scheduled for the new year.

But yesterday a new intern walked into the facility with an iPhone and blew everyone’s mind. Wifi became a thing. Gas shot up to over $2 a gallon. Donald Trump went from a young, cocaine hungry boob to our current cocaine hungry boob of a president.

And the Flyers fired Ron Hextall from his GM position, another vaunted visage of a more successful past hired to bring the Flyers back into relevancy.

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Friday the 13th Part 2, in 3D! Who lives, who dies?

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Elite strength and height, but need to work on speed to reach his potential.

Two years ago, The Coggin Toboggan delved into a fabulous question on Friday the 13th…which Philadelphia sports figure would survive if he or she found themselves in the Friday the 13th horror series?

Well guess what, it’s Friday the 13th and Jason Voorhees is out there, somewhere, in wait with his machete and shining up his hockey mask real nice to create some havoc in the City of Brotherly Love.

Like every great series, the sequel is BIGGER AND BETTER than the original, so let’s take a look at some Philadelphia sports figures and see if they would survive in a Friday the 13th movie, and if they don’t we’ll take a look at how they would meet their maker in a old-school 3D horror movie.

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Ron Hextall cheers up Steve Mason, a play in several acts

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Steve, cheer up buddy. Just because you lost the game for us in the last two minutes doesn’t mean you have to be nervous about your job security.

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Thanks Ron. Tough one last night.

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Yep, exactly. Would have been much better if you had been able to shuffle your fat ass across the crease to stop the world’s slowest wraparound attempt. But yeah, don’t worry about it.

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Ron? You ok?

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No no, really, just don’t worry about it and focus on the next game and how you’ll blow it for your hard working teammates and how you’re forcing me to drink more than I want to and spend more time on the phone looking for a goalie who can stop the GODDAMN puck.

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It’s just one goal Ron, I’ll do better next game.

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I should slash you right across those weak hamstrings of yours, you piece of garbage.

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Get the fuck out of my office.

‘I’m good to go,’ Michael Raffl declares from coma

103114_michael-raffl_600Philadelphia, PA – Michael Raffl, who momentarily passed out on the Flyers bench Saturday night after taking an elbow directly to the jaw, has declared through a series of hand squeezes that he should be good to go for Tuesday night’s game against the Buffalo Sabres.

“Great news about Raffl. Using the classic one squeeze for yes, two squeeze for no code, we have deduced Raffl should be in the lineup this evening,” Flyers General Manager Ron Hextall said. “It’s amazing he didn’t even have a concussion.”

Raffl took an elbow directly to the jaw Saturday night during a play near the boards against the New York Rangers. The forward woozily made his way back to the Flyers bench, before collapsing and passing out. Play was halted as trainers frantically escorted the dazed and confused Raffl back to the locker room.

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BREAKING: Flyers hire Reggie “Reg” Dunlop as next head coach

File photo of Reggie "Reg" Dunlop.

File photo of Reggie “Reg” Dunlop.

Philadelphia, PA – In a surprise move this morning, Philadelphia Flyers GM Ron Hextall announced the next head coach of the organization. Reggie “Reg” Dunlop will officially be named as the 19th head coach of the Philadelphia Flyers.

The move comes as a bit of surprise to fans and the hockey world, as Dunlop has no previous NHL experience. His last coaching experience was with the Charlestown Chiefs in the Federal League, a low level, semi-professional league.

Dunlop served as a player-coach for the Chiefs, and it’s unknown if he will do so for the Flyers.

“Reggie has years of experience coaching and playing. His hard nosed, but loose, style of coaching will fit well with the Flyers and fans will love him,” Hextall said.

Even though he has no NHL experience, Dunlop has a proven track record of grooming young and exciting hockey prospects. Of course, Dave “Killer” Carlson and Ned Braden are two of the lesser known players groomed by Dunlop, but the three most well known prospects were the fabled Hanson brothers (Jeff, Steve and Jack) who led the Federal League in penalty minutes for 10 straight seasons.

Dunlop has had several on-ice incidents which may be construed as black marks against his character, including putting a bounty on the head of rival forward Tim “Dr. Hook” McCracken and inciting a bench clearing brawl after claiming Tommy Hanrahan’s wife was a lesbian.

Despite his eccentricities, Dunlop is known for his affinity for “Old-time hockey.”

“I’m looking forward to showing these guys the ropes. Heard you have some great bars in Philadelphia, should be a real gas,” Dunlop said at an impromptu press conference this morning. “You have some great sportswriters here too, they really capture the spirit of the thing, you know?”

As of press time, Dunlop was reportedly feeding a rumor to Philadelphia Inquirer Flyer beat writer Sam Carchidi that a wealthy retirement community in Florida was interested in purchasing the team.

Craig Berube sent to unemployment box

BerubeDL_2013_2Sorry Craig, apparently “Rowdy” Ron Hextall got tired of the nonsense you put the roster through for the past season. Zac Rinaldo playing in front of Lecavalier? REALLY? Vinny was fairly terrible this year, but he’ll give you more impact on the ice compared to Rinaldo. If you need someone to throw and elbow and get a 10 minute game misconduct in the first five minutes, Zac’s your guy.

It’s been fun, Craig. You had a hell of a run last year and the magic just didn’t translate over to this season. Nice to see the career years by Voracek, Mason and Giroux were wasted during their prime playing years.

Here are a few predictions for what happens to The Chief now:

– Immediately hired back by Ed Snider for a front office position under Hextall.

– Signed to play for the team next year, as Snider deems the roster too soft.

– Opens a barbershop and calls it, “Chief’s Tomahawk Shop: Where we gettem you a good deal for your wampum.”

– Waits outside of the WFC to fight Steve Mason.

Drunken, shirtless Ron Hextall announces he’ll be starting in goal tonight

hextall080614_672Vancouver, British Columbia – Perhaps frustrated as of late by his team’s mediocre play and inspired by St. Patrick’s Day, a visibly intoxicated Ron Hextall held an impromptu press conference on the tarmac of the Vancouver International Airport, in which he stated he would be starting in goal tonight for the Philadelphia Flyers.

“Steve Lason (sic) has been great for us recently, but he needs a night off. I’ll be stepping in between the pipes tonight….who wants to tell me I can’t?” Hextall said, slurring every other word as team officials pleaded with the current GM to leave the airport and take a nap at the hotel.

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