St. Patrick’s Day

ST. PATRICK’S DAY REPORT: Joel Embiid has been vomiting corned beef for the last hour


Philadelphia, PA – Injured 76ers center Joel Embiid has reportedly been lying face down in his apartment bathroom for the past hour, intermittently raising his giant frame to expel copious amounts of corned beef into his toilet.

Varying accounts claim that Embiid arose at the break of dawn and started to cook several bricks of the salty, cured meat that has become eponymous to the Irish and the celebration of St. Patrick’s Day.

Embiid reportedly began to eat the first slab of corned beef, alone at his kitchen table, at 8 a.m. this morning in complete silence. After polishing off the entire brick of fatty, marbled meat, he took a second out of the boiling pot of water and retreated, again in silence, to his table.

After successfully eating more than eight pounds of the Irish delicacy, Embiid excused himself from his kitchen and retired to the bathroom, where he has been retching nonstop for the past hour.

At press time, Embiid was able to calm himself for a brief moment as he rummaged through his bathroom cabinets, procured a “kiss me I’m Irish” hat from underneath his sink, placed it atop his head, and then returned to the task at hand.


Drunken, shirtless Ron Hextall announces he’ll be starting in goal tonight

hextall080614_672Vancouver, British Columbia – Perhaps frustrated as of late by his team’s mediocre play and inspired by St. Patrick’s Day, a visibly intoxicated Ron Hextall held an impromptu press conference on the tarmac of the Vancouver International Airport, in which he stated he would be starting in goal tonight for the Philadelphia Flyers.

“Steve Lason (sic) has been great for us recently, but he needs a night off. I’ll be stepping in between the pipes tonight….who wants to tell me I can’t?” Hextall said, slurring every other word as team officials pleaded with the current GM to leave the airport and take a nap at the hotel.