Drunken, shirtless Ron Hextall announces he’ll be starting in goal tonight

hextall080614_672Vancouver, British Columbia – Perhaps frustrated as of late by his team’s mediocre play and inspired by St. Patrick’s Day, a visibly intoxicated Ron Hextall held an impromptu press conference on the tarmac of the Vancouver International Airport, in which he stated he would be starting in goal tonight for the Philadelphia Flyers.

“Steve Lason (sic) has been great for us recently, but he needs a night off. I’ll be stepping in between the pipes tonight….who wants to tell me I can’t?” Hextall said, slurring every other word as team officials pleaded with the current GM to leave the airport and take a nap at the hotel.

Reports coming into the CT claim Hextall drank between 15 and 25 Coors Lites on the flight to Vancouver and was increasingly disruptive.

“Don’t touch me, I SAID DON’T TOUCH ME,” Hextall screamed at assistant coach Craig Berube, as they struggled over the microphone in front of the horrified team.

Undaunted, the former Flyers great unbuttoned his light blue Brooks Brothers shirt and grabbed a goalie stick from a nearby equipment cart. The topless, shitfaced GM continued to wildly swing the stick in long, graceful arcs at anyone who attempted to come closer.

Finally, Rick Tocchett was able to sneak up behind Hextall and tackle him to the tarmac.

“I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU, I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU!” Hextall screamed. “Ughhh oh god….I need some Taco Bell, or at least some of that mother fucking poutine they got up here.”

The Flyers issued a release after the incident was contained.

“Today, our current GM Ron Hextall had an incident in Canada, and we’d like to assure all of our fans and members of the Canadian Parliament that he has been contained. Hextall was just overtired from his trip and suffering from exhaustion,” the release read.

“He will most decidedly not be starting in goal tonight for the Flyers vs. Canucks matchup.”

As of press time, Hextall was still dozing on runway number 15.

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