Ron Hextall

Braydon Coburn made aware of trade by brick through window

Braydon Coburn, during a less horrific moment of his life.

Braydon Coburn, during a less horrific moment of his life.

Philadelphia, PA – Early this morning, around 2 a.m., Braydon Coburn was traded from the Philadelphia Flyers to the Tampa Bay Lightning for a 2015 1st and 3rd round pick and defenseman Radko Gudas. However, after the deal was made, Flyers GM Ron Hextall could not reach the 30-year-old defenseman through his cell phone to notify him of the move.

Showing the team’s new dedication to high level analytics, Hextall chalked up a plan never before seen to make sure the defenseman knew he was on his way out of Philadelphia.

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What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers? (and the SNL 40th anniversary)

Jerry-Seinfeld-001Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers?! Can’t they just have one season where they’re good from start to finish? I’m sick of it! They’re good, they’re bad, they’re good, they’re bad, just pick one side and end it! I hate anyone who ever had a pony growing up!

But seriously, don’t get our hopes up and get to within a few points of the playoffs and then crap out, it’s just not fair to anyone. It would be as unfair as a black woman who tried out for our show in the 90s, they just stood no chance! Look to the cookie!

So either go for it, Hextall, or just trade away some talent so we can be good again in a few years. You can’t have it all. I told the same thing to Michael Richards about his standup career, but I think we all know what happened with that. What’s the deal with homework, you’re not working on your home?

So millions saw Larry and I on tv last this past Sunday for the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live. Larry was a writer for the show for two seasons from 1984 to 1985. When we first met he told me about a sketch he kept pitching to the cast that nobody would do. He suggested a cast member take out a bag of cocaine midway through the show and literally BLOW it up the ass of Lorne Michaels with a straw on camera. He said he got the idea from Stevie Nicks, who eroded her nose so badly with booger sugar she had to pay a roadie to use the straw trick before each Fleetwood Mac show from 1979 to 1983. The only cast member who toyed with the idea was Jon Lovitz, but every time David provided him with the cocaine he would disappear into a bathroom and do the entire eightball himself. They were some of the best shows he ever did.

Lorne never did forgive Lovitz for going along with Larry’s idea and arranged the RIP in memoriam gag last Sunday as a result. Fun fact, Lorne kept looking backstage for Charles Rocket, claiming he was the only one of us desperate enough to cut Lovitz’s brake lines for a few thousands bucks. Nobody had the heart to tell him Rocket died 10 years ago.

What’s the deal?!

Flyers sign Dan McCord to shore up goalie situation and avoid Sudden Death

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My god look at the flexibility.

Philadelphia, PA – Philadelphia Flyers GM Ron Hextall announced Wednesday morning the Flyers have come to an agreement with free agent goalie Dan McCord, who last appeared in an NHL game in 1995 for the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Championship against the Chicago Blackhawks.

A Canadian-born firefighter, McCord appeared in one game in his career and faced exactly one shot, a clean breakaway save, before he initiated a bench clearing brawl and disappeared off the ice. As the media later found out, McCord was foiling a plot masterminded by ex-federal employee Joshua Foss, who threatened to blow up the Pittsburgh’s arena, the Igloo, if millions of dollars were not transferred into several offshore accounts of his choosing.

At the game with his son and daughter, McCord learned of the plot after his daughter was kidnapped by a terrorist disguised as the mascot of Penguins. He later disposed of the mascot during an all out brawl in the arena’s underground kitchen with a combination of Kung Fu and cunning.

“McCord is a hero, a real Canadian hero, and he also has the highest save percentage of any goalie to ever make an appearance in the 7th game of a Stanley Cup,” Hextall said. “Plus, did you hear about how he shoved a broken chicken bone into one of those thugs carotid arteries? Oh man, that is so awesome. Totally boss.”

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McCord and his children.

While trying to hide from several of the terrorists, McCord entered the Penguins locker room where Pittsburgh goalie Tom Barrasso was suffering from a severe fever. McCord was able to strip Barrasso of his equipment and change into it to avoid detection, even making his way out to the Pittsburgh bench where he was promptly inserted into the game and made his fabulous save to preserve the game for the Penguins.

“That was more than enough to convince us that McCord was the right man for the job. Well, that, and also when he fashioned a homemade dart gun and hid it up his sleeve, using it to shoot a terrorist in the neck when he was in a tight jam. He is the best,” Hextall said.

McCord was scheduled to be at the Flyers morning practice, but was reportedly seen running into the basement of the Wells Fargo Center with a knapsack of plastic explosives and an AK47 strapped across his shoulders.

Dan McCord career stats:

Games played – 1

Save percentage – 100%

GAA – 0.00

Shots faced – 1

Terrorists foiled – 10+

Mascots kicked into a dishwasher and strangled – 1

Federal agents turned bad and set on fire – 1

Broken chicken bones shoved into necks – 1

Days saved – 1

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The DVD cover of the documentary based on McCord’s exploits.

BREAKING: Mike Richards waived by LA Kings, Holmgren physically restrained

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Holmgren, no doubt thinking of adding a 12th year to another high-priced contract.

Philadelphia, PA – Two-time Stanley Cup Champion Michael Richards was waived this afternoon by the LA Kings, which resulted in full-blown panic in the offices of the Wells Fargo Center.

“Oh god, oh god has anyone seen Paul? His checkbook isn’t in his desk and his cellphone is gone, we have to find him before he makes a huge mistake,” Philadelphia Flyers General Manager Ron Hextall reportedly yelled, as he tore through the stadium to try and find the current Flyers president.

Employees were on high alert with the news this morning. A longstanding rule is in effect for employees to find, restrain and detain former Flyers GM and now president Paul Holmgren whenever high priced, declining stars are released from their teams.

Disaster almost struck last year when an employee found Holmgren negotiating a $20 million, five-year deal with former Flyer John Leclair.

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Richards, wondering if Holmgren will add the 12th year to his new deal.

Paul Holmgren signed then captain Richards to a 12 year, $69 million contract in 2008. Three years into the deal and an overall decline in production, Richards was traded to the LA Kings for Wayne Simmonds, Brayden Schenn and a second round draft pick.

Richards went on to win two Stanley Cup championships with the Kings, despite never reclaiming his top-level play.

Hextall reportedly found Holmgren being restrained by several members of the Flyers ice-team, who had smashed his Blueberry and had confiscated his check book.

“He was fervently trying to dial up Richards when we found him, thank goodness we got here in time,” Hextall said.

Hextall thanked the employees and reminded them to keep an eye on the waiver wire if/when Ilya Byzgalov is release by the Anaheim Mighty Ducks.