Two years ago, The Coggin Toboggan delved into a fabulous question on Friday the 13th…which Philadelphia sports figure would survive if he or she found themselves in the Friday the 13th horror series?
Well guess what, it’s Friday the 13th and Jason Voorhees is out there, somewhere, in wait with his machete and shining up his hockey mask real nice to create some havoc in the City of Brotherly Love.
Like every great series, the sequel is BIGGER AND BETTER than the original, so let’s take a look at some Philadelphia sports figures and see if they would survive in a Friday the 13th movie, and if they don’t we’ll take a look at how they would meet their maker in a old-school 3D horror movie.
Bryan Colangelo: Bryan with a Y would likely survive to about the middle of the movie, but purely because he’d be the spineless character only looking to further his own career. Would likely bring Jason Voorhees onto the roster as an invitee because he’s impressed with his A+ height and strength, but wouldn’t heed warnings from his staff that Voorhees already killed several trainers and decapitated Sergio Rodriguez. Colangelo would likely doom several of his co-workers when he locked himself in his office in a last ditch attempt to save his own skin.
Classic 3D Death: Head beaten in with a whiteboard, brains explode out of his ears.
Carson Wentz: Unfortunately, everyone’s favorite rookie quarterback with a heart of gold most likely won’t be making it out of this one alive. His natural leadership skills make him a perfect target for Voorhees and a prime candidate to stay behind and fend off the maniac while his teammates run for safety.
Classic 3D Death: After successfully wrenching the machete away from Voorhees, Wentz would attempt to hurl the blade at the hockey-masked madman, but it would sail 5-feet over his head. Voorhees then punches Wentz’s head clean off his body, sending his noggin careening towards the movie audience.
Zach Ertz: Are you kidding me? Would spend the entire movie falling down while he ran away or got lightly hit by a tree branch as he fled through the woods. No shot at all.
Classic 3D Death (WITH A TWIST!): Has an arm ripped off by Voorhees and is then tossed into Crystal Lake, left for dead. After Jason is vanquished at the end of the movie and the pressure is off, Ertz reappears, having survived the ordeal, and says he’ll be more prepared for the sequel next year. Dies two minutes into the sequel.
Freddie Mitchell: An annoying character who returns out of nowhere from a past sequel despite nobody caring what he has to think or say. Nobody really wanted him to come back, but this city keeps bringing him back anyways for reason unknown to this author. Tells the same jokes and stories he’s told thousands of times before in the other movies of the franchise he’s appeared in, greatly inflates his standing in the franchise and doesn’t realize he’s a complete joke.
Classic 3D Death: Tells the story about thanking God for making his hands so great for the MILLIONTH TIME and then badmouths Donovan McNabb DESPITE NOT PLAYING WITH HIM SINCE 2004…has his hands chopped off with an axe and bleeds out while grumbling about 4th and 26.
Ron Hextall: Everyone’s favorite GM and surly goaltender. Would likely try to trade Voorhees to another movie franchise for a younger, more effective serial killer.
Classic 3D Death: In the movie’s payoff and to the delight of franchise fans everywhere, Hextall would explode out of his Wells Fargo Center office after Voorhees had cornered prized prospects Ivan Provorov and Travis Konecny, wearing his old goalie mask and wielding the goalie stick he used to chop down so many defenders who tried to screen him on power plays. After bellowing out for his young athletes to run to safety, Hextall and Voorhees trade blows with their respective weapons, mortally wounding each other, until both deliver fatal shots, sending their lifeless bodies skittering across the ice into the empty goals. END MOVIE.
BONUS SCENE AFTER THE CREDITS: After the credits are completed, a split-screen slowly zooms onto the lifeless faces of both Hextall and Voorhees and lingers for just a moment, until both OPEN THEIR EYES AT THE SAME MOMENT AND A HOCKEY HORN GOES OFF IN THE DISTANCE…AND THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.