It’s Friday the 13th. Who would be doomed? (hint: everyone)

Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we'll be safe in there.

Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we’ll be safe in there.

If there’s one thing we love at the Coggin Toboggan almost as much as we love Philadelphia sports, it’s horror movies. Today, of course, is Friday the 13th, the infamous date of one of the longest running horror franchises in movie history. Hell, we’re up to 11 original movies and a reboot, with more in sight, so why not take a look at some local Philadelphia sports figures and give our best estimations on whether or not they’d survive one of the Friday the 13th movies?

We’ll just run this down list style, and after taking a look at some of these losers I don’t think there’s going to be much of a chance for any of them.

We’ve given this a lot of thought and have really looked at the following figures and their intangibles, so lets see who will survive and who will die a gruesome, gruesome death.

Hinkie glassesSam Hinkie: Dead. So, so dead. Sorry Sam, but you’re far too cocky and aloof to ever get out of a Friday the 13th movie alive. The too-smart for the room characters always have their heads chopped off or their faces scraped away by a weed whacker, so you’re not getting out of this one alive.

Final call: Found hanging from a basketball net with a broken neck during a morning shoot around by Furkan Aldemir, who takes the blame for the murder.

Chase-Utley-PhilliesChase Utley: Actually stands a punchers chance of surviving. He’s a jock, which of course is a big strike against him, but he’s a stoic leading man type who would definitely be one of the leaders during a survival situation. However, due to a shoddy surrounding cast, he might sacrifice himself to save a teammate.

Final call: Dead. Stays behind with a baseball bat to try and fight off Jason to save a fleeing Ryan Howard. Breaks the bat over Jason’s head which doesn’t faze the big fella, who calmly picks up one of the wooden shards and shoves its through Utley’s jugular. Sets off at a leisurely stroll to take care of Ryan Howard, who is laying helplessly on the ground after severing his Achilles tendon when he broke into a light jog.

EskinNBC10

Howard Eskin: Everyone’s favorite former WIP media personality. 100% deceased. The asshole always dies in these movies, come on people. However, Eskin is rumored to be a werewolf, so there is possibility of a spinoff franchise.

Final call: Dead. Has his fur coat stuffed down his throat while dining at Ponzios.

BONUS SCENE AT END OF CREDITS: We move to a closeup of a seemingly dead Eskin, the camera panning closer and closer to his face, when his eyes BURST open and we notice for the first time that they’re turning YELLOW. A wolf howls in the distance off-camera and the movie ends. Holy shit, awesome.

Chip KellyChip Kelly: Sadly, everyone’s favorite wheeling and dealing coach has garnered too many enemies during his tenure as head coach to ever make it out alive.

Final Call: Decapitated old-school style with a machete. If the movie has a bit of a comic side to it, Jason kicks the head through the uprights at Lincoln Financial Field.

BONUS M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TWIST: Jason takes off his mask and reveals OH MY GOD IT’S BEEN NICK FOLES THIS ENTIRE TIME.

rubenRuben Amaro Jr.: The shocker of the movie, Rube ends up being the only person to survive. The virgins always do in these movies.

Final Call: Would end up being one of the last survivors, but would be branded a coward after he ran away from the group and locked the remaining survivors and Jason in an abandoned school to ensure his own safety. Would likely be punched in the face at the end of the movie by the remaining female survivor to the delight of the audience.

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