The Philadelphia Eagles are looking for a new Senior Analytics Position employee to lead the franchise into a new era of advanced stats and smarter decisions, breaking away from the traditional methods of scouting and selecting players for the organization.

Obviously, I am the perfect candidate for the job. If you know me, you know that analytics are my bread and stats are my butter. Oh no, wait,  stats are my bread and analytics are my butter. Wait, no, stats are my butter – no – analytics are my butter – Ok, lets just say stats and analytics are my various breads and various butters (if anyone knows what Woody Allen movie that bit is from, I’ll give you a kiss).

Full disclosure, I’ve never actually PLAYED organized football, but I was a goddamn whirling dervish out on the grid iron whenever we played our annual tackle football match among friends over Thanksgiving weekend. I could effortlessly call our defense into a Cover 2 to stop the over the top pass that’s been KILLING US ALL DAY and make the tough calls to bench the most hungover of team members.

Plus, do you have any idea how much time I wasted as a kid playing Tecmo Super Bowl? There’s no rule in the NFL that says a quarterback can’t run straight back into their own end zone and then uncork throw that goes off the top of the screen before landing in the waiting hands of a receiver 100 yards away, right? No? Good, then I’m golden.

Either way, the Eagles would be FOOLISH to pass up this steel trap of a football mind that any team would jump at the opportunity to bring on.

Here’s the listing. Lets go through the qualification and see if I have what it takes.

Position Summary: The Senior Analytics role is responsible for helping apply analytics to units across the football operation. A successful candidate will be equipped to work with football data to draw insights and improve decision-making. Candidates should have the quantitative skills to analyze complex problems and the technical ability to implement their ideas effectively. Candidates will be exposed to all parts of the modern NFL front office, including player evaluation, game preparation, resource allocation, sports science, and player development.

Uh huh. No sweat. My favorite pastime is analyzing complex problems and using my technical ability to implement my ideas effectively.

For example, we had a groundhog that lived under our back deck. Now, my wife didn’t want me to trap it and move it away it because it may have had babies and she didn’t want them growing up to be orphans. Complex problem, am I right? Well, I used my technical ability to come up with a solution to appease us both.

I trapped all of them in a burlap sack and drowned them in my neighbor’s pool.

Now, we don’t have the problem anymore and nobody has to grow up an orphan. No fuss, no muss. That’s the kind of professionalism and zest for living that I would bring everyday to the job.

Qualifications

·       Strong analytical and quantitative skills.

Yep. See above. Only the most brilliant of minds could come up with that type of ethical solution for a beguiling problem.

·       Foundational knowledge in statistics, econometrics, or machine learning. Advanced degree is a plus.

Machine learning can only mean one thing: Cyberdyne from the Terminator movie franchise has finally created the Skynet system and brought an end to mankind. If I am hired to the position, I can assure the Eagles that I will do everything in my power to stop the machines from learning, rising up, and ruining us all. God damn toaster,  KNOW YOUR ROLE.

And if Cyberdyne does rise, well I’ll just send myself back in time and have sex with Linda Hamilton, aka Sarah Connor. Sorry babe, but it’s for the good of all humanity! Fine, be that way, let the T-1000s run amok because you won’t let me sleep with Linda Hamilton aka Sarah Connor. See if I care. You’ll be crushed under the boot heels of marauding terminators all because you were selfish and didn’t share me with Linda Hamilton. God. See you at dinner.

·       Proficient with data management and analysis in statistical software (e.g. R, STATA).

Let’s just say I know my way around an excel worksheet. Next question.

·       Experience working with databases.

See above. My excel skills are second to none (unless Cyberdyne develops Skynet, but hopefully we won’t have to worry about that if a certain someone lets me travel back in time and fulfill my destiny with Linda Hamilton aka Sarah Connor).

·       Good communication skills.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY?! JESUS CHRIST, DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT AGAIN.

·       Ability to work independently with a hands-on approach.

Oh, you want me to take a hands-on approach, do you? Well I can certainly give you a very, VERY hands-on approach, if you know what I mean. ::winks at attractive female co-worker, fired immediately::

·       Passion for football.

Hut one, hut two! Touchdown! Go for the long bomb! I kid, I kid.

Well, there you have it. If anything, I’m way overqualified for this position and they’re lucky that I’m even considering the Eagles for my talents.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to see if I can rustle up Linda Hamilton aka Sarah Connor’s email address. The rise of the machines isn’t the only thing that’s going to rise, if you catch my drift (oh god I’m sorry baby, it’s just for a stupid column, I swear! I’ll see you tonight, kisses!).