New York Giants

RumorBot 2.0 debuts and predicts the next Eagles head coach

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Definitely not RumorBot 2.0. You have to see him after the jump.

The  Coggin Toboggan engineers are some of the most dedicated employees we have at the blog. The last time we called on them they delivered HitchBot 2.0 after the first had been destroyed in the streets of Philadelphia.

They came through with flying colors and redeemed this city in its darkest hours. I mean, just look at the replacement they developed. It’s sleek, it’s sexy, and most importantly it got results.

I will mention that the Coggin Toboggan engineers did fail us one time, but we asked them to play god and no man should ever play God. The less said the better, but messing around with the human genome and trying to splice it with bald eagle DNA makes for some horrific sins against nature. We had to burn so many bodies in the dumpster behind the offices. Those inhuman shrieks will fill my soul with dread for the rest of my life. They had human eyes! Human! May God have mercy on us all.

But I digress. Every sports writer and hack sports talk radio host has been giving their best guesses as to who the Eagles will hire to be their next head coach. Will it be Doug Marrone?! Or maybe Jon Gruden will come out of retirement.

We’re sick of guesses, so we asked our engineers to develop a state-of-the-art piece of technology that would factor in every single piece of data about the available coaching candidates and be able to give us a DEFINITIVE answer as to whom the Eagles will hire to be their next coach.

The Toboggan engineers have never let us down before, so we figured we’d let them have a go at it. While we won’t tell you any of the details that went into creating the machine, we will say that what they came up for us is simply outstanding.

After the jump you’ll see RumorBot 2.0 tell us exactly who will be the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. We also ran the test for the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns.

Spoilers ahead. You have been warned.

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Tom Coughlin demands early bird interview with Philadelphia

tom-coughlinPhiladelphia, PA – Citing his desire to “not be up at all hours of the night,” head coach candidate Tom Coughlin showed up close to 7-hours early for his scheduled interview this afternoon.

Coughlin exited his 1993 Lincoln Town Car and asked to be interviewed in a corner booth at the NovaCare Complex cafeteria, as it looked “less drafty” than one of the tables in the center of the room.

“Why come all the way down to Philadelphia to sit in a drafty table?” Coughlin said, after making Eagles representatives move tables several times to find an acceptable place to sit.

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Eagles backup corner Buckley Chillingsworth disappointed team won Sunday afternoon

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Chillingsworth file photo.

New York, NY – Little used and little known fourth string corner back Buckley Chillingsworth expressed his utter disappointment Sunday after the Eagles won their final game against the Giants, and thus do not have to play a game in London next year.

It had been determined that the loser of the Eagles and Giants contest would have to play a game in London during the 2016-2017 season.

Chillingsworth, a graduate of the London Finishing and Etiquette School for Esteemed Young Gentlemen, admitted to the media Monday morning he was less than happy he would not play a game in front of foggy London town next year.

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Chip Kelly, Tom Coughlin agree to rough touch for final game

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Philadelphia, PA – As both teams are out of contention for the playoffs and no unnecessary injuries are needed in the final game of the season, head coaches Chip Kelly and Tom Coughlin agreed to play under “rough touch” rules.

No tackling to the ground will be allowed for the final, utterly pointless game between the two horrendously underachieving teams.

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Sam Bradford super stoked for new Battlefield Earth trailer

Sam BPhiladelphia, PA – Leading 17-7 at halftime, Eagles Quarterback Sam Bradford led his team into the tunnel and sprinted into the locker room and straight to the nearest television set.

When asked what he was so excited for, Bradford said he couldn’t “wait for the new Battlefield Earth trailer.”

“It’s debuting tonight during the game, didn’t you guys hear? Boy am I excited! Travolta! Pepper! Scientology! Golly, that movies got it all doesn’t it! A great message and some great acting, I can’t wait!” he excitedly said, before clicking the tv on.

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Unemployed Steve Weatherford spends two-hours perfecting Eagles slam tweet

Cool pose, bruh.

Cool pose, bruh.

New York, NY –  Steve Weatherford, unemployed punter, took to Twitter this afternoon and lambasted Philadelphia for its lack of championships.

The ex-professional punter, who carefully crafted and selected the wording to the numerous tweets he published yesterday and today, has plenty of time on his hands to perfect his trolling tweets as he is currently not good enough to cut it on any of the 32 NFL rosters.

The ex-punter, who is not in any way depressed or angered that no team wants his services, publicly supported the New York Giants on several social media platforms. His old team will come into Philadelphia for tonight’s Monday Night Football week 6 match up.

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NFL denies Eli Manning’s request to wear pink panties for rest of season

imageNew York, NY – Representatives for the National Football League have officially denied quarterback Eli Manning’s request to wear a pink thong for Monday night’s game against the Philadelphia Eagles, and for the remaining games in the 2015-2016 season.

Manning officially made his request to the league office today, asking for special permission to wear the pink Victoria’s Secret “Date no-show thong” under his official uniform for the remainder of the season.

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