New York Giants

Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

Barfffffffff. Well, at least our guest picker got ONE prediction right last week, as Tony Romo correctly predicted the Cowboys would beat the Eagles, but the Eagles would not cover the spread.

You know Dak Prescott would have predicted the Cowboys would have beaten the Eagles AND covered the spread. What? I’m just saying is all, not trying to create any undue controversy with the Cowboys.

This week, the Eagles (+2.5) are going up the Turnpike to take on the hated New York Giants and their cast of unlikable wide receivers. You’d better believe Mike Missanelli has his Twitter account primed and ready to fire off any number of offensive tweets when Victor Cruz suffers another season ending injury.  I’m sure he’ll try to interject some crude racial humor in a “jokey tweet” and then blame it on being Italian.

“Ehhhhhh come on now! Dats just like a my momma used to tweet, I know-a-no better den that! Mama Mia, I am in some a trouble.”

Can’t wait.

Win/loss prediction results: 3-4

Against the spread: 3-4

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Steve Weatherford asked to leave Planet Fitness after being determined unqualified for janitor position

An irate Steve Weatherford, the outspoken ex-Giants punter, took to social media last night to decry how he was treated by employees at a local Planet Fitness after he was asked to leave their establishment.

The ex-professional athlete, who was unceremoniously released by the New York Jets after just one game in 2015, criticized the gym franchise when he was asked to leave their premises after bombing a job interview.

The custodial position was determined to be too much for the dimwitted Weatherford, who then lashed out at the 21-year-old college senior who administered the interview.

“I’d like to apologize to you all for being such a savage at Planet Fitness,” the failed punter said. “I will never be back.”

He certainly will not be back as an employee, John Casteannos, manager of the location, told several members of the media.

“It was quite obvious Steve was not going to fit in with the Planet Fitness family. He had no experience with a mop wringer and tried to drink the Windex, asking us if he could ‘gank’ some of our Gatorade. He swigged a few gulps of it down before we could snatch it out of his hand,” Casteannos said.

“He became quite sick. It was kind of sad, really, but then he proclaimed us all to be ‘pussies,’ and that’s when we knew it just wouldn’t work out.”

At press time, Weatherford noted that he would never again attempt to work at Planet Fitness and asked if anyone had some spare change so he could take the bus home.

 

SportsPickle writers burn the midnight oil workshopping funny Ben McAdoo names

patriots-giants-footballAll hands were on deck at the SportsPickle offices Wednesday night after news broke that the New York Giants would hire offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo as their next head coach.

Writers worked deep into the night, pitching their funniest names for McAdoo that would be best received by their discerning audience of readers.

“Personally, I don’t think there’s a better option than McAdoofus. It’s clean, it gets straight to the point, and it’s clever without being crass. So why are we wasting our time trying to find something else?” Head Writer John Crean asked the tired and exacerbated staff of 35 writers at the SportsPickle compound.

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RumorBot 2.0 debuts and predicts the next Eagles head coach

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Definitely not RumorBot 2.0. You have to see him after the jump.

The  Coggin Toboggan engineers are some of the most dedicated employees we have at the blog. The last time we called on them they delivered HitchBot 2.0 after the first had been destroyed in the streets of Philadelphia.

They came through with flying colors and redeemed this city in its darkest hours. I mean, just look at the replacement they developed. It’s sleek, it’s sexy, and most importantly it got results.

I will mention that the Coggin Toboggan engineers did fail us one time, but we asked them to play god and no man should ever play God. The less said the better, but messing around with the human genome and trying to splice it with bald eagle DNA makes for some horrific sins against nature. We had to burn so many bodies in the dumpster behind the offices. Those inhuman shrieks will fill my soul with dread for the rest of my life. They had human eyes! Human! May God have mercy on us all.

But I digress. Every sports writer and hack sports talk radio host has been giving their best guesses as to who the Eagles will hire to be their next head coach. Will it be Doug Marrone?! Or maybe Jon Gruden will come out of retirement.

We’re sick of guesses, so we asked our engineers to develop a state-of-the-art piece of technology that would factor in every single piece of data about the available coaching candidates and be able to give us a DEFINITIVE answer as to whom the Eagles will hire to be their next coach.

The Toboggan engineers have never let us down before, so we figured we’d let them have a go at it. While we won’t tell you any of the details that went into creating the machine, we will say that what they came up for us is simply outstanding.

After the jump you’ll see RumorBot 2.0 tell us exactly who will be the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. We also ran the test for the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns.

Spoilers ahead. You have been warned.

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Tom Coughlin demands early bird interview with Philadelphia

tom-coughlinPhiladelphia, PA – Citing his desire to “not be up at all hours of the night,” head coach candidate Tom Coughlin showed up close to 7-hours early for his scheduled interview this afternoon.

Coughlin exited his 1993 Lincoln Town Car and asked to be interviewed in a corner booth at the NovaCare Complex cafeteria, as it looked “less drafty” than one of the tables in the center of the room.

“Why come all the way down to Philadelphia to sit in a drafty table?” Coughlin said, after making Eagles representatives move tables several times to find an acceptable place to sit.

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Eagles backup corner Buckley Chillingsworth disappointed team won Sunday afternoon

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Chillingsworth file photo.

New York, NY – Little used and little known fourth string corner back Buckley Chillingsworth expressed his utter disappointment Sunday after the Eagles won their final game against the Giants, and thus do not have to play a game in London next year.

It had been determined that the loser of the Eagles and Giants contest would have to play a game in London during the 2016-2017 season.

Chillingsworth, a graduate of the London Finishing and Etiquette School for Esteemed Young Gentlemen, admitted to the media Monday morning he was less than happy he would not play a game in front of foggy London town next year.

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Chip Kelly, Tom Coughlin agree to rough touch for final game

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Philadelphia, PA – As both teams are out of contention for the playoffs and no unnecessary injuries are needed in the final game of the season, head coaches Chip Kelly and Tom Coughlin agreed to play under “rough touch” rules.

No tackling to the ground will be allowed for the final, utterly pointless game between the two horrendously underachieving teams.

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