What a debut last week from our inaugural picker for the 2016-2017 Philadelphia Eagles season. Chris Wheeler just BACK LEGGED it out of the park for us, successfully predicting the Eagles would defeat the Browns and cover the spread in week one.
That magnificent toupeed bastard looked middle in and absolutely crushed his prediction.
But we tread on, bringing in yet another special guest to make our picks in week 2. Will he or she be as spot on as Wheels was in week 1? We’ll see Monday night when the Eagles take on the Bears during Monday Night Football (ALLLLLLLL YOUR ROWDY FRIENDS ON MONDAY NIGHT) in week 2.
Here’s our record so far:
Win/Loss prediction record: 1-0
Against the spread: 1-0
But who have we brought in to make the week 2 pick? Will they keep the good times rolling?
YEEEE HA! What’s up dildos! Good old Bobby Hoying is back in the City of Brotherly Love for another season of Eagles football! Concussions? We got em! CTE? Never heard of it! Random blackouts and year gaps in my long-term memory? Bobby wouldn’t have it any other way you sons of bitches.
I apologize for being away for so long. Yes, I know I said I would take over last season for that panty-waist quarterback Sam Bradford, but I had to scoot out of city limits when Johnny Law caught wind that I was back in town. Went south of the border for a few months until things cooled down a bit, and also went south of the border on a few Juarez senoritas, if you catch my drift.
Those little chicas pack a punch, but they definitely need the old finger smell test if you catch my drift. Bobby don’t need to be catching some Mexican version of hepatitis. Safety first when you’re knee deep in cooz, if you catch my drift.
But the statue of limitations have run out on my prior cock fighting charges, so I’m back and I’m not going anywhere for a long time. Because the buds are always colder, the girls in South Philly are always trashier, and the nose candy is always sweeter when old Bobby Hoying is around.
So what are we doing here again? PICKING GAMES?! I thought you promised me a dime bag of primo Maui Wowee at bargain basement prices? No? Well I’m still getting paid for this right? Now that’s what I’m talking about!
So I love the Eagles chances this week. Jay Cutler is a hipster doofus with a stuck up bitch of a wife who doesn’t even look like she puts out. Give her to Bobby for a few days, I’ll set her straight. She’ll be singing falsetto and will be sitting funny for a week after I’m done with her. I don’t trust no man to helm a professional football franchise if he can’t even helm his wife. How can you throw an out pattern if you’ve got pussy on the brain? YOU CAN’T SON.
Plus, you got rid of pussy boy Bradford, shipped him off to the frozen tundra of Minnesota. Good! Replaced him with a good old boy in Carson Wentz. This kids a winner. Poise up to his asshole, a rocket arm and enough smarts to know that this city will eat you alive if you’re not a born winner like Bobby.
But I tell you, I took Carson hunting earlier this week and regaled him with a hunting story of mine from when I was down in Zihuatanejo in the early 2000s, drinking tequila in a little shit-hole cantina. I remember some big old hombre approached me, saw I was carrying a six-shooter, and asked if I was a hunter.
I told him “Si,” and damned if that big old chicano didn’t offer to take me on a hunting expedition on the outskirts of town for 500 pesos.
When I asked him what we’d be hunting, he told me we’d be going for the most dangerous game of all, man. When I told him I wasn’t interested, he just smiled at me and said I didn’t understand.
“You…hombre….you are the game,” he said to me.
Damned if I didn’t find myself in a traditional, third-world man hunting expedition, with nothing but my wits to save me. Unfortunately for those chabons, they had never met someone with as much wiles as old Bobby Hoying and as fast a trigger finger. Took six of them out before they even new I was there. I can still hear their screams when I try to sleep at night.
Well at that point Carson was wide-eyed and slack jawed, guess he wasn’t ready for that story, but he’s a good kid. Can’t shoot for shit, but they tell me he throws a good deep ball so he’ll be fine.
What? Yeah…yeah right. Uhhh….how about Eagles 27, Chicago 17? Sounds good to me.
Until next time, boners, Bobby out!
Eagles (+3) 27, Chicago 17.