Philadelphia, PA – Last seen over a year ago after he welched on a $10,000 bet at the 2015 Wing Bowl, former Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying made an unscheduled appearance on Philly Sports Talk Live and denounced the possibility of the Eagles re-signing that “pantywaist.”
Hoying barged onto the set during the 5:30 p.m. hour on Monday afternoon, demanding to speak on air about that “big old pussy” Sam Bradford. Hoying made Marcus Hayes give up his seat so he could sit next to host Michael Barkann, forcing him to sit on the floor for the remainder of the 10 minute segment.
“All I know is I don’t trust a man who turns down a congratulatory bump of blow from my prized Bogota stash. Brought back a kilo over the holidays when I finally escaped from that Columbian prison. Had to kill a guard who was a good family man, my only friend in that hell hole, but if you get in Bobby’s way to freedom, he’s going to gift you a Colombian necktie, if you catch my drift,” Hoying said, slapping Barkann loudly on the back.
“You know what I’m talking about tons of fun,” Hoying said, tussling the rotund Hayes’ hair.
“I heard he was going to come into some money with the Eagles, so why not spread it around with an Eagle great? He can buy a few rounds, what’s right is right,” Hoying said.
Hoying reportedly took Bradford out for a night on the town last week, forcing the young quarterback to buy several rounds of whiskey at an unnamed bar in a truck stop just outside of the Philadelphia City limits.
“He was bitching and moaning the entire time about not feeling safe and getting no signal on his cell phone. Real mood killer. You’re with Flying High Hoying, what’s going to happen to you?” He asked the befuddled Barkann.
The night took a turn for the worse, as Hoying said Bradford received a “bit of a nick” on his neck after he “was looking at some mean old hombres old lady.”
“You just don’t mow another guys lawn. He had it coming. I had to talk fast and get Sammy out of there fast, or it could have been bad.”
Bleeding profusely for a gaping wound in the side of his neck, Hoying said he stuffed a few tampons in the wound to stop the bleeding (left over from a prize piece of trim he had in his pickup truck from two weeks ago) and then reportedly drove to Jefferson Hospital and kicked Bradford out in front of the emergency room entrance without slowing his car down.
“He was bitching and moaning the entire time. You don’t want to waste any money on this kid, Mikey, I’m telling you he’s a born loser. Can’t hold his coke or his liquor. Philadelphia will eat him alive. This is a man’s game….how you doing sweetie? You over 16?” Hoying asked an attractive intern before wandering off camera as CSN scrambled to cut to a commercial.
At press time, Bradford reportedly lost more than a liter of blood from his stab wound and had to receive 125 stitches to close the slash across his neck.
His doctor’s give him a 25% chance to live through the night.