I’m 34. I’ve had one knee surgery already. I’m not getting any younger.

So it only makes sense that this is the year I officially declare my eligibility for the NFL Scouting Combine.

Every year it’s the same thing. Late February comes around and my cell phone blows up with calls from NFL front office representatives. They all want to know one thing:

“When are you going to make our dreams come true and decide to play in the NFL? Please let us know so we can send scouts, we beg of you.”

I’ve always said no. I know that I’m a world class athlete and I certainly don’t need any  pencil-neck geeks confirming what I already know. I have blazing speed, a fast twitch muscle response that would make Barry Sanders jealous, and intelligence that FAR surpasses anyone in the NFL.

I scored a 1280 on the SATs 15 years ago. Enough said.

Watching the NFL combine Friday afternoon and seeing the thin talent pool, I knew this would be the best time for me to make a boatload of money and treat the fans of football to a delight for the eyes and the ears.

However, the NFL (for whatever reason) didn’t answer my emails and phone calls to participate in the Combine. No worries. All anyone cares about is the 40 yard dash, so I grabbed my very pregnant wife as a timer/videographer and ran it in front of my house.

BEHOLD.

5.41! God that is impressive. Maybe only 10% of the athletes in the combine could run that fast, and they’d have to be on their game. I could watch that over and over again. MY GOD WHAT A PRESENCE!

You just can’t teach that kind of speed. It’s innate. You either have it or you don’t, that’s fast twitch muscle action at its best.

Perfect form, great arm movement, a calm face….now I know why the NFL didn’t want me to run at the Combine, most likely didn’t want me to embarrass and demoralize any of the other participants.

A 5.41 to the naked eye may not seem elite, but let me mention several factors that were working against me:

•  Friday was FREEZING. As I recall it was like -15  degrees out and the wind was against me. Notice to all potential NFL teams….I ran in a t-shirt and shorts to the detriment of my own body. Obviously I put the greater good above my own personal safety

•  I was starting on someone else’s count. At the Combine runners choose when to begin after being set, so I was running at a HUGE disadvantage.

• I love my wife, I really do, but she is NOT an official NFL timer for a reason. Fairly sure I saw her click her stopwatch just a half a second after I crossed the finish line.

So what does this all mean? Well, taking all factors into account and adjusting my time to make it official…..

I RAN THE 40 IN A 4.2, THE FASTEST TIME EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE COMBINE.

I just DEMOLISHED the competition. Maybe I’ll repost the video in slow motion so you guys can see me easier.

I’m making no friends by posting this, but my competition and future teammates will have to get used to my absolute dominance if they wish to have a future in the NFL themselves.

I also sing and dance, I’M A TRIPLE THREAT.

I will forgo the rest of the Combine activities and officially declare myself eligible for the NFL draft. Please contact me at thecoggintoboggan@gmail.com for any future contract negotiations, thank you.