Today, the University of Wisconsin published a job opening on its school website advertising for a new head coach of the university’s men’s basketball team.

Bo Ryan, longtime coach, announced his retirement earlier this season. I’ve had my eye on the job opening for a while now, but the university never made its search official.

Until today.

Now, I’ve always wanted to dabble in coaching a Division I NCAA basketball team. How hard can it be? Organize a few layup drills, see if everyone can make a left-handed layup, teach them my famous crab defense…100% guarantee I can take this program to a minimum of nine Final Fours in the next 10 years.

I play basketball every Thursday night with a number of skilled athletes, many of whom are under the age of 70. Don’t let their age fool you, though, they’re crafty and only one has dropped dead on the court in my entire time playing in the pickup game.

Previously I played ORGANIZED basketball in a highly competitive South Jersey youth league during my younger years. Do you think just anybody can hack it on those mean courts of South Jersey? Some of those hoops didn’t even have NETS on them, can you even picture that?

Here’s the posting.

I think I should go through this and see if I’m qualified for the job. I obviously am, but you don’t go into a job interview with a cocky mindset.

So lets see what they’re looking for.

Degree and area of specialization:
Bachelor’s degree required.

Check mark. I do indeed have a bachelor’s degree from Div. I NCAA basketball powerhouse SUNY Binghamton. We’re off to a great start. One for one!

Minimum number of years and type of relevant work experience:
Minimum of 5 years of successful collegiate basketball coaching experience preferred. Division I head coaching experience is also preferred.

Ok, well I don’t have a minimum of 5 years of successful collegiate basketball coaching experience in the traditional sense. I did, however, lead Temple University to five consecutive successful seasons in NCAA 10 for my PS3, so that counts, definitely.

Sure it was on the easy setting and I inserted a player on the team that I created based off of myself (all 99 ratings, 7’1″, strikingly handsome) but I plan on being a player/coach so that shouldn’t be a problem. I still have four years of eligibility left.

Principal duties:
Under the general supervision of the Athletic Director or his designee, manage a Division I men’s basketball program as Head Coach in accordance with NCAA, Big Ten and University regulations. Areas of responsibility include coaching, organizing and conducting practices, recruiting, conditioning, budget, administration of sport, supervision of assistant coaches and operations, public relations and other duties as assigned by the Athletic Director.

Again, no problem. However, I don’t need an “athletic director” breathing down my neck and judging my “controversial” coaching techniques. Hey, do you have a problem with me strapping a bag full of bricks around my star center and pushing him into the deep end of a pool to see if he has the intestinal fortitude and conditioning to survive? Oh, it’s against school policy and possibly a crime against humanity? Fuck off, I’ve got a basketball team to run and young men to mold into winners. You want someone who won’t possibly kill off several players a year and always has the best interests of his athletes in mind? Go talk to someone else.

I GET RESULTS DAMNIT. I AM ABOVE THE LAW.

A criminal background check will be conducted prior to hiring.

Oof…maybe turn a blind eye to this one? We all have skeletons in our closet, and lets just say you may find some improprieties and/or charges against me for massive amounts of securities fraud. It’s no big deal, probably just a day in court and a fine, maybe probation at the most.

Full time salary rate: Minimum $300,000.

NO. Way, way too low. Do you pay discount prices for kobe beef? Nope. You’ve got to pay the best to get the best. Minimum of $1.5 million to ink me for a year.

Anticipated begin date: March 8, 2016.

(watch me reel them in with this one) No, that’s going to be a problem for me. I can’t start until mid-April at the earliest. Several other Division I NCAA programs are bringing me in for interviews for their head basketball coach openings, and some even want me for their football head coaching positions. Sorry. I’m always honest, it’s one of my character flaws I suppose.

So there you have it. I’m 100% qualified for the job. I’ll send in this blog post as my resume and I firmly believe I’ll be hired within a day or two.

One last thing, though, I refuse to wear a suit on the sidelines. I REFUSE. If I can’t wear my dashiki than we’re going to have problems.

Go Badgers!