Philadelphia, PA – Horrified Eagles front office representatives could only look on helplessly as a crippled but determined Sam Bradford dragged himself across the floor of a conference room to his unsigned contract Tuesday afternoon at a signing event that went disturbingly wrong.
According to sources the meeting began well, as Bradford came to the signing with his agent, Tom Condon. Handshakes and pleasantries were exchanged, but young athlete started to act strangely after just five minutes of his arrival.
Eagles Owner Jeffrey Lurie and Howie Roseman asked Bradford if he was feeling alright, as he seemed to be sweating profusely and violently trembling in the moderately heated conference room.
“All of a sudden he just seemed really intent on getting to the signing, asking us a number of times if he could just sign the papers already, wondering what the hold up was, he even told Jeff to just get on with the damn thing just moments after he was congratulating Sam on a job well done last year…and then everything just went to hell,” Howie Roseman said.
“I’ll never forget what happened next. Every time I close my eyes I’m haunted by what I saw.”
Details are sketchy, but a front office representative who was at the meeting (and speaking on a condition of anonymity) said Roseman and Lurie became concerned when they noticed a single trail of blood drip down from under Bradford’s Eagles hat.
The eerily calm quarterback smiled as the blood ran down his cheek and continued to do so when he threw an unexpected and wild haymaker at Lurie, knocking the team owner out cold. Almost as if the punch sapped what little energy he had, Bradford crumpled to the ground, screaming in pain as the slight fall snapped both of his femurs and ankles like they were dry kindling.
Bradford’s agent grabbed a panicked Roseman and restrained the VP of Football Operations as the hobbled and broken Bradford began to claw his way across the floor of the conference room towards his unsigned contract.
“GET TO THE CONTRACT SAM, IT’S OUR ONLY CHANCE!” Condon screamed, as dragged Roseman to the ground. “YOU’RE A BROKEN MAN, YOU NEED THAT MONEY, GET TO THE CONTRACT I BEG OF YOU!”
Roseman, completely powerless, watched helplessly as the shattered athlete painfully dug his nails into the carpeted floor and agonizingly dragged his body inch by inch towards financial solvency.
Roseman screamed for someone to stop him, but Condon had locked the doors to the conference room before the meeting even began.
Every bone in Bradford’s hands and arms audibly snapped and shattered as he dragged his living corpse towards his twisted prize. Roseman said later that he saw bits of his scalp falling of Bradford’s skull and matting themselves to the carpet as his broken body was dragged across the floor.
“The screaming was the worst. It was like the slightest movement just caused him an amount of pain that no human should ever experience,” Roseman said at a press conference today.
Luckily for the Eagles organization, Bradford passed out just a mere two feet from the contract, his gnarled, deformed claw like hand stretched out towards the piece of paper and pen in one final act of agony.
At press time, the Eagles announced the contract had been revised to a one-year deal worth $10 million, which Bradford will have an opportunity to sign if he ever awakes from his deep coma.