Bobby Hoying

Former Eagles QB Bobby Hoying lobbies for starting job at Pederson press conference

::A familiar voice rings out from the back of head coach Doug Pederson’s press conference, and a familiar-faced, middle aged man begins to push his way through the assembled media corp, accidentally knocking Les Bowen to the ground as security desperately tries to contain the situation::

Hoying: Hey Doug, you little pissant, tell your gestapo SS guards to get their god damn hands offa me. I’m a legacy, fuck it all, I don’t deserve to be treated like this damnit. Do you dollar store LOSERS even know who I am, I used to run this town, get yer paws off of me for fucks sake….

::Hoying takes a wild swing at one of the Novacare guards, before Pederson tells them it’s okay and takes responsibility for the wild-eyed guest. Smiling, Hoying pulls Pederson into a meaty hug after the coach offers him his hand for a quick shake::

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Nick Foles hopes that brick of heroin still where he left it in North Philadelphia
Foles

Trouble is coming back to Philadelphia.

Philadelphia, PA – Shouts of “Foles coming yo!” rang out through a dilapidated, run-down section of North Philadelphia this morning as a familiar face returned to the streets for the first time since 2014.

A sawed off shotgun swinging freely at his side, barely covered by a ratty overcoat, newly re-signed backup Eagles quarterback Nick Foles strode confidently down Kensington Avenue into the Philadelphia Badlands.

Whistling the Eagles fight song to himself as he watched dealers scramble off the streets at his mere presence, Foles entered a ramshackle building and quickly headed to the back of the broken down structure.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?
Bobby Hoying

Last week’s picker, Bobby Hoying, went 2-0 in his predictions. Will this week’s guest picker keep the good times rolling?

Wow, what a start to the season so far. Our guest pickers are both 2-0 against the spread and win/loss predictions, and for the first time in ages my bookie hasn’t left threatening voicemails on my cell phone demanding I pay up what I owe him. I’M ON A BISCUIT TRAIN WITH GRAVY WHEELS, so let’s keep the good times rolling.

Last week, Bobby Hoying nailed his picks and didn’t disappoint in his column. Accurate prediction? Check. Casual racism? Check. High on cocaine? Double check. He’s a Philadelphia legend, that’s for sure.

Things get tougher this week with the Eagles (+3.5) hosting the Pittsburgh Steelers and their jailbird roster at 4:25 p.m. this Sunday.

Here’s our record so far:

Win/Loss prediction record: 2-0

Against the spread: 2-0

But who have we brought in to make the week 3 pick? Will they keep the good times rolling?

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

WheelerWhat a debut last week from our inaugural picker for the 2016-2017 Philadelphia Eagles season. Chris Wheeler just BACK LEGGED it out of the park for us, successfully predicting the Eagles would defeat the Browns and cover the spread in week one.

That magnificent toupeed bastard looked middle in and absolutely crushed his prediction.

But we tread on, bringing in yet another special guest to make our picks in week 2. Will he or she be as spot on as Wheels was in week 1? We’ll see Monday night when the Eagles take on the Bears during Monday Night Football (ALLLLLLLL YOUR ROWDY FRIENDS ON MONDAY NIGHT) in week 2.

Here’s our record so far:

Win/Loss prediction record: 1-0

Against the spread: 1-0

But who have we brought in to make the week 2 pick? Will they keep the good times rolling?

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Former Eagles QB Bobby Hoying speaks out on re-signing Sam Bradford
Bobby Hoying

Ol’ Bobby Hoying knows how to have a hell of a night out on the town. 

Philadelphia, PA – Last seen over a year ago after he welched on a $10,000 bet at the 2015 Wing Bowl, former Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying made an unscheduled appearance on Philly Sports Talk Live and denounced the possibility of the Eagles re-signing that “pantywaist.”

Hoying barged onto the set during the 5:30 p.m. hour on Monday afternoon, demanding to speak on air about that “big old pussy” Sam Bradford. Hoying made Marcus Hayes give up his seat so he could sit next to host Michael Barkann, forcing him to sit on the floor for the remainder of the 10 minute segment.

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Bobby Hoying reappears, demands starting quarterback job with Eagles

Bobby HoyingPhiladelphia, PA – Bobby Hoying barged into the NovaCare Complete this morning, shaking hands with players and introducing himself as “the new starting ball slinger for this sorry ass state of a football team.”

Last seen fleeing the premises of the Wells Fargo Center after the Wing Bowl in January to welch on a $10,000 gambling debt, Hoying said he had to “cool his heels” down in Mexico and reinvigorated his game taking part in one of the Mexican cartel’s American Football teams.

“I had my head on the chopping block after pissing off the wrong hombre down in Mexico, when luckily one of those amigos remembered me from my days with the Oakland Raiders. As luck would have it, their starting quarterback had been executed gangland style after showing up light a few kilos come payment time and ol’ Bobby got the job,” Hoying said.

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BREAKING: Bobby Hoying appears at Wing Bowl 23 after being presumed dead

Bobby HoyingPhiladelphia, PA – Missing since last Saturday evening, the night before the Pro Bowl, Bobby Hoying appeared this morning in a luxury suite at the 23rd WIP Wing Bowl. While still wearing the clothes he was seen pictured in last Saturday, Hoying appeared to be in high spirits, bumping several lines of cocaine off a Wingettes bare chest before turning his attention back to the festivities below.

“The last week was a blur, but when I found myself in a gutter in South Philly last night, I knew I had to at least get myself to the Wing Bowl,” Hoying said with two women on his lap. “Besides I bet a cool 10 G’s on that Schuyler chick down there, it’s a stone cold lock.”

Hoying cheered on his “hoss” as he called her, alternating between lines of cocaine and starting several “show us your tits!” chants to the numerous Wingettes in attendance.

For many, it was a welcome site, seeing Hoying after he was presumed dead following last week’s Pro Bowl. Hoying disappeared from his Arizona hotel the night before being scheduled to start the exhibition game, the first of his professional career.

“It’ll take a lot more than a mountain of pure Colombian raw and an emergency room visit to put good ol’ Bobby down, I’ll tell you that,” Hoying said.

However, after Schuyler failed to defend her Wing Bowl crown, losing to Patrick Bertoletti in a Wing Bowl record performance, Hoying abruptly finished the last of his eight ball and hastily left the suite.

“I’ll tell you what, there ain’t no way Big Tony is going to get that $10,000 from me. He’ll have to come at me with a white flag waving if he ever wants to see me again,” he said, as he left the arena.

Hoying was last seen walking in the direction of the Penthouse Club with a stack full of $1 bills.

Bobby Hoying no shows Pro Bowl, last seen Saturday night

Bobby HoyingPhoenix, AZ – Bobby Hoying, a former Eagles quarterback who was surprisingly selected to the 2015 Pro Bowl, did not show up to the event Sunday evening and has yet to be found.

NFL associates wished to keep the news quiet until after the Super Bowl, but reports leaked out this evening that Hoying has not been seen since a Saturday evening “beer bash” the former quarterback had hosted at his self-described “penthouse suite” in a downtown Phoenix Motel 6.

Hoying passed out flyers to his fellow Pro Bowl athletes at Friday afternoon’s final practice. The event was listed as BYOBAP, or as Hoying had to tell several confused teammates, “Bring Your Own Beer And Pussy.”

Jimmy Graham, tight end for the New Orleans Saints, showed up at the party around 9 p.m. and left after five minutes. Graham said he was greeted by an obviously intoxicated Hoying, who immediately handed him a large Ziploc bag of white powder and told him to “be cool and get rid of this uncut booger sugar. There may be some Colombians coming here later that need to powwow with me about that, and I plan on not having it on me, you got it Jimmy G?”

Graham dropped the bag and immediately left after Hoying spotted a “sweet little redhead” and suggested the two of them have some fun with her, “Eiffel tower style, if you know what I mean.”

“Did you ever see that movie ‘Caligula’ back in the late 70s? I guess it was kind of like that, except with way more Busch Lite,” Graham said.

An anonymous Instagram account from a user listed only as “SweetAss69” published several photos of the party. A photo published at 9:09 p.m. showed Hoying in the background hunched over a sink vomiting profusely. A second photo was published at 9:45 p.m. which showed Hoying naked, riding a bicycle through the hotel room to the delight of partygoers. A third photo published at 10:01 p.m. showed a passed out Hoying hunched against the wall, a sombrero covering his head as he was clutching a bottle of Famous Grouse to his chest.

Hoying supposedly disappeared later that evening and has not been seen since. Local police officials are warning residents to not approach Hoying if he is spotted, as he is most likely armed and dangerous.

Bobby Hoying somehow elected to 2015 NFC Pro Bowl team
Bobby Hoying

Bobby Hoying, probably coked out of his mind.

Phoenix, AZ – in a surprising turn of events, former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying, who has not played a snap in the NFL since being released by the Oakland Raiders in 2001, was selected first overall last night by Team Cris Carter in the 2015 Pro Bowl draft.

“This can’t be correct…Team Carter selects Bobby Hoying with the first overall pick?” A visibly confused Cris Carter said at the NFL Pro Bowl podium as he looked down at his selection. “I don’t remember picki….”

Carter was interrupted by a jubilant, middle aged man jumping up from his seat in the back of the audience, who proceeded to bum rush security and make it onstage with the frightened Carter. Hoying, as he was later identified, wrapped Carter in a bear hug and picked him up several feet from the ground.

“That’s how you do it, you son of a bitch! Big Balls Bobby Hoying is back and he can’t wait to get back in that huddle and sling his balls all around that field,” Hoying yelled, a cowboy hat tipped jauntily on his head. “I’ve heard a lot of things about those Phoenix girls too, I can’t wait to get knee deep in that gash, lets do this boys!”

NFL executives scrambled to see if the pick was legal, but it was later determined that the pick would stand after Hoying held a straight edge razor to Roger Goodell’s neck, threatening to give the NFL commissioner a “real close shave.”

“Bobby made it fair and square, so I’ll be seeing you all in Phoenix real soon. I hope you boys remember to bring that ‘magic powder,’ because I’m sure I’ll have a little bit of a sinus infection before the start of the game, if you know what I mean,” he said to the rest of the terrified Pro Bowlers.

When asked where he had been for the past 14 years, Hoying said he had gone down south over the border to work on an oil rig and for some of them “real mean cartel boys.”

“But I’m back now you sons of bitches, and Bobby is looking to make up for lost time!” Hoying hooted, grabbing a loose football and rifling it in the face of a stunned Kurt Warner. “Too slow, choir boy!”

As of press time, Hoying was in a manure caked jeep doing celebratory victory donuts on Ray Rhodes’ front lawn.