Bobby Hoying, probably coked out of his mind.
Phoenix, AZ – in a surprising turn of events, former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying, who has not played a snap in the NFL since being released by the Oakland Raiders in 2001, was selected first overall last night by Team Cris Carter in the 2015 Pro Bowl draft.
“This can’t be correct…Team Carter selects Bobby Hoying with the first overall pick?” A visibly confused Cris Carter said at the NFL Pro Bowl podium as he looked down at his selection. “I don’t remember picki….”
Carter was interrupted by a jubilant, middle aged man jumping up from his seat in the back of the audience, who proceeded to bum rush security and make it onstage with the frightened Carter. Hoying, as he was later identified, wrapped Carter in a bear hug and picked him up several feet from the ground.
“That’s how you do it, you son of a bitch! Big Balls Bobby Hoying is back and he can’t wait to get back in that huddle and sling his balls all around that field,” Hoying yelled, a cowboy hat tipped jauntily on his head. “I’ve heard a lot of things about those Phoenix girls too, I can’t wait to get knee deep in that gash, lets do this boys!”
NFL executives scrambled to see if the pick was legal, but it was later determined that the pick would stand after Hoying held a straight edge razor to Roger Goodell’s neck, threatening to give the NFL commissioner a “real close shave.”
“Bobby made it fair and square, so I’ll be seeing you all in Phoenix real soon. I hope you boys remember to bring that ‘magic powder,’ because I’m sure I’ll have a little bit of a sinus infection before the start of the game, if you know what I mean,” he said to the rest of the terrified Pro Bowlers.
When asked where he had been for the past 14 years, Hoying said he had gone down south over the border to work on an oil rig and for some of them “real mean cartel boys.”
“But I’m back now you sons of bitches, and Bobby is looking to make up for lost time!” Hoying hooted, grabbing a loose football and rifling it in the face of a stunned Kurt Warner. “Too slow, choir boy!”
As of press time, Hoying was in a manure caked jeep doing celebratory victory donuts on Ray Rhodes’ front lawn.