Philadelphia, PA – Bobby Hoying barged into the NovaCare Complete this morning, shaking hands with players and introducing himself as “the new starting ball slinger for this sorry ass state of a football team.”
Last seen fleeing the premises of the Wells Fargo Center after the Wing Bowl in January to welch on a $10,000 gambling debt, Hoying said he had to “cool his heels” down in Mexico and reinvigorated his game taking part in one of the Mexican cartel’s American Football teams.
“I had my head on the chopping block after pissing off the wrong hombre down in Mexico, when luckily one of those amigos remembered me from my days with the Oakland Raiders. As luck would have it, their starting quarterback had been executed gangland style after showing up light a few kilos come payment time and ol’ Bobby got the job,” Hoying said.
Playing under the intense pressure of the MCFL (Mexican Cartel Football League) Hoying regained his confidence and led the league in passing yards, passing TDs, and most peyote ingested during the season.
“Getting back over the border was a son of a bitch, I’ll tell you. I hopped that fence back into mother America with the cartel hot on my boots and the U.S. Border Patrol giving me the stink eye, but Bobby is a survivor and now I’m back to play some football,” he said, moving his stolen equipment into the locker of Nelson Agholor. “This is Bobby’s locker now, hit the bricks rook. Plenty of space in the men’s room, now chop chop, get out of my sight.”
Putting his dusty boots up on a stool and holding court in the middle of the locker room, Hoying demanded to know where the “pussy boy quarterback” was whose job he was going to steal.
“That deer in the headlights mother fucker looks like he’s never touched a lick of poon in his life. He’s a bit light in the loafers, isn’t that right J-Kelly?!” He said, laughing out loud and slapping the back of Jason Kelce. “Bobby will take his job no problem. Follow suit, boys, I’ll lead us to the promised land. We get into the playoffs, the hookers are on me.”
Hoying, however, already took offense with some of Chip Kelly’s coaching methods.
“If the U.S. government can’t monitor me, what chance does that old stick in the mud have? I don’t need someone telling me what to eat and when to sleep. On that note, I need to tickle my sweet tooth. Whose got some of that old nose candy for Bobby to dip into?” He said, winking at a horrified Darren Sproles. “Come on you squares, don’t bogart the good stuff. I need my vitamins before hitting that field.”
As of press time, Hoying was having a laugh with Chip Kelly and Jeffrey Lurie on the field as Sam Bradford looked on with jealous eyes.