Wow, what a start to the season so far. Our guest pickers are both 2-0 against the spread and win/loss predictions, and for the first time in ages my bookie hasn’t left threatening voicemails on my cell phone demanding I pay up what I owe him. I’M ON A BISCUIT TRAIN WITH GRAVY WHEELS, so let’s keep the good times rolling.

Last week, Bobby Hoying nailed his picks and didn’t disappoint in his column. Accurate prediction? Check. Casual racism? Check. High on cocaine? Double check. He’s a Philadelphia legend, that’s for sure.

Things get tougher this week with the Eagles (+3.5) hosting the Pittsburgh Steelers and their jailbird roster at 4:25 p.m. this Sunday.

Here’s our record so far:

Win/Loss prediction record: 2-0

Against the spread: 2-0

But who have we brought in to make the week 3 pick? Will they keep the good times rolling?

Abbott: Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.

Costello: Funny names?

Abbott: Nicknames, nicknames. Now, on the Pittsburgh Steelers we have Alleged Rapist at quarterback, Woman Batterer at linebacker, Pothead at running back —

Costello: Wait, what? I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the Pittsburgh team.

Abbott: I’m telling you. Alleged Rapist at quarterback, Woman Batterer at linebacker, Pothead at running back–

Costello: You know the fellows’ names?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well, then Alleged Rapist is at quarterback?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean who is at quarterback?

Abbott: Alleged Rapist.

Costello: I’m not asking for his rap sheet, I want to know who is at quarterback?

Abbott: Alleged Rapist.

Costello: The guy at quarterback?

Abbott: Alleged Rapist.

Costello: What are you, a lawyer?

Abbott: I’m not a lawyer, but I’m trying to tell you. Alleged Rapist is at quarterback!

Costello: I’m asking you — Alleged Rapist is at quarterback?

Abbott: That’s the man’s name.

Costello: That’s this Alleged Rapist’s name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: When you pay off the quarterback every month, Alleged Rapist gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man’s entitled to it.

Costello: Alleged Rapist is?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So Alleged Rapist gets it?

Abbott: Why shouldn’t he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it, if she’s not busy trying to escape from him in a bar bathroom.

Costello: Alleged Rapist’s wife?

Abbott: Yes. After all, the man earns it.

Costello: Alleged Rapist does?

Abbott: Absolutely.

Costello: Well, all I’m trying to find out is why these guys have such funny names. I feel like a battered woman.

Abbott: Oh, no, no. That’s our linebacker.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: Pittsburgh has a good team?

Abbott: Oh, absolutely.

Costello: The running back’s name?

Abbott: Pothead.

Costello: Don’t call him names, I just thought I’d ask who plays running back.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I’d tell you.

Costello: Then tell me then why if Potheads at running back, then who is this Alleged Rapist you’ve been talking about?

Abbott: He’s the quarterback.

Costello: Stay out of the offense! I feel like I’ve at least earned a consolation trophy for what I’ve gone through with you.

Abbott: He’s our linebacker, but he won’t give you one. Probably smack you around a little bit too and get accused of taking steroids.

Abbot and Costello simultaneously: THIRD BASE!

—–

Costello: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!

Abbott: Don’t get excited. Take it easy.

Costello: So, we’re in the first quarter. Alleged Rapist, whoever it is, grabs the ball, and hands it off to Pothead. If he doesn’t pick up the first down, Woman Batterer has to come out and play defense.

Abbott: Yeah, that could be.

Costello: Alleged Rapist, that’s his name.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Why? I don’t know. And I don’t care.

Abbott: What was that?

Costello: I said, I DON’T CARE!

Abbott: Oh, that’s our kicker!

(End Scene)

THAT WAS THE DUMBEST THING WE’VE EVER DONE

PREDICTION: Eagles 21, Pittsburgh 24.