Pittsburgh Steelers

Cooler, more popular NFL GMs throw Howie Roseman’s iPhone into the toilet on legal tampering day

howieFor the second year in a row, several of the more popular NFL GMs took the opportunity to make Howie Roseman’s life miserable, as they bullied the Eagles GM into giving them a “free agency tax” of whatever pocket money he had in his wallet and his iPhone, which they promptly threw into a nearby toilet in a girl’s restroom.

Despite Roseman’s protests that would he be telling “Mr. Lurie about this,” New England Patriots coach and de facto GM Bill Belichick put Roseman into a vicious headlock while Steelers GM Kevin Colbert gave him several wet willies.

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Jim Schwartz rewards himself with relaxing fugue state after each game
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Fugued out.

Philadelphia, PA – Defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz did not meet with media after the Eagles 34-3 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. The intensely devoted Schwartz instead chose to take some time for himself, unwind, and place himself in a nice fugue state to calm down after the stress of coaching an NFL game.

Schwartz typically will retire to room 57-B in bowels of Lincoln Financial Field after a game, find a nice spot in the corner of the room, and face the wall for hours at a time until he loses all conscious thought and memory of self.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?
Bobby Hoying

Last week’s picker, Bobby Hoying, went 2-0 in his predictions. Will this week’s guest picker keep the good times rolling?

Wow, what a start to the season so far. Our guest pickers are both 2-0 against the spread and win/loss predictions, and for the first time in ages my bookie hasn’t left threatening voicemails on my cell phone demanding I pay up what I owe him. I’M ON A BISCUIT TRAIN WITH GRAVY WHEELS, so let’s keep the good times rolling.

Last week, Bobby Hoying nailed his picks and didn’t disappoint in his column. Accurate prediction? Check. Casual racism? Check. High on cocaine? Double check. He’s a Philadelphia legend, that’s for sure.

Things get tougher this week with the Eagles (+3.5) hosting the Pittsburgh Steelers and their jailbird roster at 4:25 p.m. this Sunday.

Here’s our record so far:

Win/Loss prediction record: 2-0

Against the spread: 2-0

But who have we brought in to make the week 3 pick? Will they keep the good times rolling?

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Painstaking thawing process of Merrill Reese has begun for regular season
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The absolute best.

Philadelphia, PA – With just 20 days until the Eagles first regular season game of 2016, the organization has begun the painstaking process of thawing the cryogenically frozen play-by-play announcer Merrill Reese.

The 73-year-old announcer has been cryogenically frozen at the end of each season since 2012, when the franchise determined he was experiencing too much wear and tear during the offseason and needed to be preserved for 16 weeks (or more, depending on the playoffs) of the NFL season.

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Report: Caleb Sturgis suffered concussion, but not from errant punt
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Thoughts and prayers.

Pittsburgh, PA – In one of the most bizarre scenarios on a football field this preseason, the Eagles reported last night that placekicker Caleb Sturgis suffered a concussion in pregame warmups after an errant Donnie Jones punt hit him square in the head.

Sturgis did suffer a concussion in the pregame warmups last night, that much is true, but sources are telling the Coggin Toboggan that the Eagles fabricated the punt incident to keep the real story out of the media.

A source has told the Coggin that Sturgis suffered his concussion at the hands of Morganna the Kissing Bandit, who abruptly came out of retirement last night to attend the preseason game.

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Michael Vick thrilled to not be the most detested quarterback on roster

Michael+Vick+Close+UpPittsburgh, PA – Minutes after signing a one-year deal with the Pittsburgh Steelers, Michael Vick pointed a finger skyward and thanked God he could finally blend into the roster and not be the most hated member of a professional football organization.

Vick, of course, pled guilty in 2007 for his role in the Bad Newz Kennels dog fighting scandal. The kennel had over 70 dogs seized in a massive search of Vick’s sprawling estate by local, state and federal authorities.

Vick was given a second chance in the league when signed by the Philadelphia Eagles in 2009. Protestors and critics followed Vick to New York City for his stint with the Jets, lambasting the organizations for signing the controversial figure.

All of that was whisked away when he signed a one-year deal Tuesday afternoon with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

ESPN NFL analyst John Clayton said the signing “is great for Michael Vick, but I’m not so sure what the Steelers are getting out of this.”

“Basically, let me put it this way. If you’re Pol Pot quarterbacking a football team, you’re going to be hated by just about everyone. However, if Pol Pot gets traded to a football team quarterbacked by Hitler, well then hey, Pol Pot’s not such a bad guy all of a sudden.”

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