Jim Schwartz rewards himself with relaxing fugue state after each game


Fugued out.

Philadelphia, PA – Defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz did not meet with media after the Eagles 34-3 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. The intensely devoted Schwartz instead chose to take some time for himself, unwind, and place himself in a nice fugue state to calm down after the stress of coaching an NFL game.

Schwartz typically will retire to room 57-B in bowels of Lincoln Financial Field after a game, find a nice spot in the corner of the room, and face the wall for hours at a time until he loses all conscious thought and memory of self.

The fugue tends to last until Monday afternoon after defeats, Tuesday after victories, as the coach rewards himself with an extra day of fugue after a well played game.

Schwartz will not sleep for the remainder of the week.

“Just Jim being Jim. After expending so much energy on the sidelines each Sunday and being wired so tight, you need to find releases. I like to go home and spend time with my wife and kids,” Head Coach Doug Pederson said this morning.

“Jim prefers to place himself into a DSM-5 dissociative disorder to relax. Everyone has their own thing.”

Employees, players, and coaches are under strict orders to not disturb Schwartz during his private time. Closed circuit security videos reveal Schwartz spends most of his time standing just inches away from the corner of a room, cycling through each corner at 30 minutes intervals, and mixes in periods of softly bumping his head into the wall and vigorous bouts of drooling.

“And when it’s time for him to come out of it, we just send one of the rookies in there to rouse him out of it. You should see the terror in their eyes when he starts screaming. Good stuff,” Pederson said.

At press time, a “Code Red” had been declared after Schwartz couldn’t be found in room 57-B. Employees were armed with giant butterfly nets and tranquilizer guns before being sent out to find the coach.

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