Report: Caleb Sturgis suffered concussion, but not from errant punt

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Thoughts and prayers.

Pittsburgh, PA – In one of the most bizarre scenarios on a football field this preseason, the Eagles reported last night that placekicker Caleb Sturgis suffered a concussion in pregame warmups after an errant Donnie Jones punt hit him square in the head.

Sturgis did suffer a concussion in the pregame warmups last night, that much is true, but sources are telling the Coggin Toboggan that the Eagles fabricated the punt incident to keep the real story out of the media.

A source has told the Coggin that Sturgis suffered his concussion at the hands of Morganna the Kissing Bandit, who abruptly came out of retirement last night to attend the preseason game.

Several players apparently started a “Never been kissed” chant towards Sturgis, and after Morganna got wind of it she started to make her way over to the place kicker for a big old smooch.

Sturgis became so flustered he ran away from the big busted blonde. Noticing the commotion on the field, the Steelers PA employee played the Bennie Hill theme song over the stadium loudspeakers.

It was all fun and games until Sturgis fell over a golf cart on the field and suffered a massive concussion.

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Morganna the Kissing Bandit.

“Maybe that boy has never been kissed. We just thought it was funny. Morganna would have broken his dick off. At least he got that first kiss out of the way,” Coggin Toboggan favorite Malcolm Jenkins told the website.

Morganna eventually claimed her victim and kissed Sturgis as he was being strapped down to a spine board to reduce any further damage.

Sources confirmed Sturgis gave the crowd a thumbs up after the kiss and proclaimed it to be the “best night of my life.”

 

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