Philadelphia, PA – Shouts of “Foles coming yo!” rang out through a dilapidated, run-down section of North Philadelphia this morning as a familiar face returned to the streets for the first time since 2014.
A sawed off shotgun swinging freely at his side, barely covered by a ratty overcoat, newly re-signed backup Eagles quarterback Nick Foles strode confidently down Kensington Avenue into the Philadelphia Badlands.
Whistling the Eagles fight song to himself as he watched dealers scramble off the streets at his mere presence, Foles entered a ramshackle building and quickly headed to the back of the broken down structure.
“Left a brick of heroin here back in 2014 after I got traded to the Rams, in case of a rainy day, you know? Called it my ‘pension plan.’ The only person who knew I stashed it here was Big Rick, and he’ll be getting a visit from me if it’s not here,” Foles said.
Speaking freely about his exploits, Foles noted that he stole the package from a Philadelphia drug kingpin in 2014 known only as “Rat Charles,” revenge for the drug slinger criticizing his performance in the 2014 Eagles season.
“Ahhh here we go,” Foles said, as he found the massive brick of heroin behind the false wall he had stashed it several years ago.
The smile soon disappeared from his face as he spun around, shotgun cocked at his hip, aiming at a figure lurking in the shadows of the building.
“Still the same old Nick…cocked and loaded as always. Didn’t think you’d be back in the city. We have some unfinished business to discuss,” the voice said, as Bobby Hoying moved into the ray of light that leaked through the building’s ceiling, a .45 pointed squarely at Nick’s head.
At press time, Foles and Hoying had yet to lower their weapons, but were discussing a strategy to enact revenge on “Rat Charles” for taking a contracted hit out on Foles in 2014, and the Eagles playoff chances this season.